Max's abilities at home sometimes depend on which parent he is with. I'm Tough Mommy—he knows that around me, he has to eat on his own, pull up his own pants and spell out his weekend news reports for school. With Marshmallow Daddy, it's a whole other story. This became seriously obvious over the weekend, when Dave was away on business. My mom, my sister and her family stayed over, and we went out to dinner to celebrate my beautiful mom's big birthday.
I'd given Max fair warning: "Hey, Max, I am not going to feed you." Max is perfectly capable of feeding himself, assuming we cut up food as necessary into smaller pieces. But when we go out to eat, he prefers that Dave spoon-feed him. No, make that he expects that Dave will feed him. And yes, I know: It shouldn't be happening. But it does. The habit is hard to break, on both sides.
I get it. For years, since Max was a little guy, he's been the primary feeder. Early on in Max's life, it was a very emotional thing for me; I struggled with the fact that the seemingly most basic functions—chewing, swallowing, sipping—were hard for our little guy. I struggled with a lot back then. But Dave's woe-is-him feelings were not as intense as mine were. And so he spoon fed Max...and never stopped.
At dinner, I ordered Max's faves: onion soup, steak and mashed potatoes. When the soup arrived, I handed him the spoon, tucked a couple of cloth napkins into his shirt, put one on his lap and let him go to it. Max needed a hand with severing long strings of cheese but otherwise did fine. When his steak arrived, I cut it into bits. Max gestured toward the soup bowl, and I dropped pieces in there. He downed it all, in between spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. Like I knew he could and would. Then he drank two glasses of milk. By himself.
HI, HONEY, MAX ATE AND DRANK BY HIMSELF.
I think we're going to need to go cold turkey on this one. Or cold steak.
Yup, those marshmallow daddies. In our family, which doesn't have special needs, I think that the marshmallow developed because daddy got to spend less time with the children (traveling, crazy work schedule). I also think there are some men who "language of love" is service (i.e. an extension of providing for ones family, to take care of them). And, that those men are particularly good fathers. In my family, sometimes the acts I think are mush are acts of love, and as my kids have grown more independent, I've decided I don't need to interfere as much. But it is always a balance.
ReplyDeleteAnon, Dave's language of love is very much about nurturing—you nailed that. And yes, that is one reason he is the most amazing father. And that is also why it is hard for him not to feed Max.
DeleteThis is a difficult skill for parents/kids to embrace. Our kid's Dad and I are no longer married. It is a source of friction when one supports independence and one supports reliance. It's faster, easier to do it for them. But there will come a day when neither Dad nor I will be around and that butt won't wipe itself, that shoe won't put itself on, that fork won't pierce that bite, that towel won't dry that leg itself. So with loving support and encouragement I take the tough stand, "No, I need you to do that while I go (insert any other task here)." And I just leave.
ReplyDeleteIt really is faster/easier to do things for Max, especially when he digs in his heels because he is used to us doing things for him. But yes, SO worth holding firm.
DeleteI fully believe that your husband is acting out of love. I think it's important to realize that love can hurt though. In my disability groups we have many adults who are fully capable of being independent (they may need to have in home help for some issues but could live on their own and manage hired help) yet they have been disabled by well meaning parents who kept doing everything for them. Often in their 30s or 40s they get tired of it and end up clashing hard with their now quite old parents who are still doing everything for them. Or they end up in a situation where their parents are tired/sick/suddenly pass away and they are completely unprepared to take care of themselves. The people who are doing best tended to have supportive parents who pushed independence-even when it was hard, frustrating, took longer ect. That is not to say you can never help your child. But as a rule I think if a child can do their own self care then they should do it most of the time. I hope your husband understands that the most loving thing he can do is let Max know that he knows Max is capable and stop enabling his dependency. Max may always need help. That's fine. But doing what he can on his own will build his confidence and give him the most independence possible which will give him the most choice in life.
ReplyDeleteJamie, I showed Dave your comment and the others. I think this one in particular, and the struggles the adults you mention face, really hit home with him. Thank you.
DeleteFor me and my parents, it was getting dressed. My father was helping me get dressed every day well into high school, even though I knew how to do it and basically could do it physically. It took more effort than for most people, but not that much. My father tended to fall back on the idea that it was more efficient for him to help, but I don't think that was the whole story. It was a tangible thing he could do to make my life easier ... immediately and simply satisfying. I'm pretty sure my mother put an end to it in some way because she felt it was unnecessary and not good preparation for living on my own. I wonder now how each of them actually envisioned my independence. It's possible they weren't on exactly the same page.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, getting dressed is something Max is still working on. Even trickier than some other stuff because in the morning, in the rush to get ready for school either we or our sitter end up doing it for him. (And it truly is about efficiency.) But we clearly need to make it happen, or it's never going to happen. Thank you for sharing your personal story for the sake of helping Max come along.
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