This weekend, my blood pressure spiked as I read a post called No, Your Kid Can't Have My Subway Seat. Writer Stephanie Fairyington and a friend were riding a train in New York when a family got on; she said the mom gave them the stink eye for not giving up a seat for her son. At some point, Fairyington reported, the mother told her child, "Don't worry, sweetheart, someone will get off soon and you can have a seat." As soon as a seat was free, the mom hustled her child into it.
The writer, a mother herself, went on to rail against coddling children and not giving them space to grow or learn to hold their own. "I think giving up one's seat to a kid old enough to stand on his or her own is a bad message and a symptom of a culture of parenting in America that enfeebles kids," she noted. Some commenters pointed out that while they wouldn't expect an adult who's been working on their feet all day to let a six-year-old snag their seat, children do tend to lose their balance easily on the train and get poked in the face by handbags.
That writer acknowledged the existence of disabilities and that the need for a seat might not be apparent for those with the invisible kind, but that right there should have been reason enough to not write the post. Perhaps that child did need a seat for a medical reason that wasn't visible. You never do know—which is why taking the stance that adults shouldn't give up their seats to a child preaches intolerance.
As I've learned from raising Max, intolerance can be much of a handicap to people with disabilities as their disabilities.
It's rampant. There was another irksome post a few weeks ago on Mom.me in which a mother took a stand against parents who let their children look at iPads during dinner, taking them to task for ignoring them, failing to teach them how to converse and setting a bad example.
I've been that "bad" parent. Max used to have major sensory issues, and for years having him watch a movie or videos on an iPad or iPhone in restaurants was the only way our family could go out for dinner. We used headphones, so we wouldn't disturb anyone. But people looking at us might well have judged us as being self-centered, crappy parents. (Writer Pauline Campos wrote a great rebuke pointing out that children with autism like her daughter use devices to self-regulate.)
Strangers might think I suck as a parent for any number of reasons related to Max's disabilities: His meltdowns in public places when his sense of order is disrupted could say that I don't know how to control him. His food-splotched clothing (he's not the neatest eater) might say that I don't care about his appearance. The very way he downs food—he tends to shovel it in rather quickly, because he's trying hard to hold it on the spoon and not drop it—means I haven't taught him manners.
Meanwhile, as people judge us they are also making assumptions about our children: they are spoiled, they are bratty, they are messy, they lack manners.
It's a lose-lose-lose, all this intolerance and judging and assuming. For us as parents, for our children and for these people's children. I feel sorry for kids being raised by parents who see the world through a pinhole view of what's good and right: No ipads at restaurant dinner tables, ever! No giving up seats on trains to kids! How can their children grow up to be open-minded adults who are aware and accepting of differences? How will their children learn that good old human decency comes in many forms?
Perhaps this seems like small-potato stuff compared to teaching children acceptance biggies like race and religion. But then, enlightening children about diversity should include children and adults with disabilities. It's been said that people with disability are the last minority considered acceptable to marginalize and disrespect in society. Parents have the power to change that. They could even use narrow-minded posts like these as conversation starters with children: Do you think people should give up their seats on the bus to other people? Why? How can you tell if someone needs a seat? Do you know why you can't always tell?
Raising children who treat people of all abilities right means encouraging consideration and empathy. It means explaining to them that people have different needs, but everyone wants to feel accepted and respected. It means helping them understand that one size does not fit all—on the bus, at the restaurant or anywhere.
Also see:
30 ways to respect kids and adults with disabilities
I get what you're saying, Ellen. But, I don't think your concerns were the point of her post. With no disrespect, I think you're taking it out of context.
ReplyDeleteThe writer *did* acknowledge people with disabilities are the exception to not giving up your seat, that they are a different situation than the children she is talking about (twice!). She admitted that you may not be able to tell someone has a disability just by looking at them, which is good. She also praised a train system in Portland, Oregon for reminding families to yield their seat for people with disabilities and the elderly.
She did not write in-depth about people with disabilities, because the article was not about people with disabilities. It was about able-bodied, non disabled kids and how their parents and other adults treat them.
Yes, she acknowledged disabilities, seemingly perfunctorily. But how is one supposed to know whether or not a child (or an adult) has an invisible disability? Exactly, you don't. And so, having a standing policy about not giving up your seat on the train to children is wholesale intolerant.
DeleteTo clarify: "She admitted that you may not be able to tell someone has a disability just by looking at them, which is good." I mean it's good she acknowledges that people with invisible disabilities exist.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to guess this author has no experience with invisible disability, otherwise this post would never have been written. Because you just NEVER KNOW what the story is. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. This is such a losing battle. The most self described tolerant people in my world are often the least tolerant to any difference that doesn't fit in their very orderly boxes. This leaves me heartbroken for my child who will likely feel the wrath of judgement of an invisible disability throughout his lifetime. Thanks for writing this Ellen.
DeleteI do n't know Ellen after read ing some of you posts I feel you tend to overreact, this is one of those times. It truly does more harm than good to r espond this way every time you feel an injustice is being committed comes off like you're looking for things to complain about
ReplyDeleteWhile I appreciate your opinion, Justin, tolerance is something I do feel strongly about so I will continue to rant about displays of intolerance, or speak out about wrongs. Blogs are meant to voice opinions. Not everyone has to agree!
DeleteOne day I ended up going on a rant to my son on a drive home about how I was worried that kids today don't get the same responsibility and freedom that we had when I was a child. Oddly enough, he was listening, and we realized that with mild CP, we have struggled with giving him responsbilities. We decided right then and there, that I would let him out at the park on the drive home (which I can see from our house, and is on the same side of the road) and he would walk home by himself. After that, he started volunteering for clean up tasks around the house, and reading to his little sister. It is a struggle, and outsiders do not know what kids are capable of. But I also learned that I needed to let him be more responsible, and that he was ready for it.
ReplyDeleteI love this story, thank you. It's a good reminder that we really do need to start giving Max more responsibilities. We recently let him walk up the block alone to visit some kids' lemonade stand. It was a big step for both of us.
DeleteYou seem to have missed the point of her article completely. She isn't talking about children with invisible disabilities and I completely agree with her. I live in Australia where it isn't just expected, but a rule, that children and students must vacate their seat for an adult when required. Not just an elderly or disabled adult. Any adult. As a child it was ingrained on me to immediately stand up and offer my seat when an adult boarded a train or bus. Of course children with disabilities are different but in the vast majority of cases this isn't a consideration. The author of this article was clearly talking about the able bodied majority and shouldn't be taken out of context. Especially as she makes such good points!
ReplyDeleteToddlers have balance issues. They seriously expect them to vacate seats on buses? That seems pretty strange.
DeleteThe author of the article was talking about the able bodied majority, I agree--and that's the problem. If you write about these issues in a way that doesn't acknowledge disability you inherently marginalize the disabled. The critique is in the framing. If you create a drumbeat about how kids need to stand then it makes it harder for kids with invisible disabilities... unless we want to require a child with an invisible disability to announce their diagnosis when they board a train?
If a child needs a seat they should take a seat and the parent of that child shouldn't be subjected to assumptions that are stressful, harmful, and discriminatory. We need to not make the lives of people with disabilities and their families HARDER.
What Eliyanna said!
DeleteSvetlana; Eliyanna; Ellen:
DeleteWhen Ellen makes a critique on various parenting magazines and how their writers handle issues within the conventions of the form/medium; she brings all her experience to it. Not just the carefully packaged parts. Eliyanna - thanks for drawing attention to the framing and the marginialisation.
"Show respect" is the overarching idea - "stand up" is a concrete action that may or may not be within a person's capabilities.
Svetlana: yes, Australian children do stand up for adults on public transport and show various ways of respect. I like to travel in a carriage of respectful children and where the priority seats are. [And of course there is regional and remote travel].
Yes - vestibular and proprioceptive issues are big. And during and after puberty the balance centre appears to shift again in a big way.
Disability is the one minority you will be part of someday. [And here I go equalising disability = the elderly]. And if you are open at an early age about learning human decency from disabled individuals and community.
And, yes, getting up and down to vacate the seat might be hard for a toddler.
And there are fewer unaccompanied children these days?
The author could be living with an invisible disability that she is not at liberty to disclose.
ReplyDeleteEmder-chan: True, true.
DeleteDid you read Meriah Nichols's interview with Louisa and Kari? It's a good one about disclosure.
http://www.meriahnichols.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-having-a-non-visible-disability-a-conversation-with-kari-and-louisa/
That "pinhole" comment is exactly right, Ellen.
ReplyDeleteAnd even through a thousand pinholes you get the same view as you do through just one.
And when so many pinholes stick through your thighs and calves and brain and nervous system ...
Positioning is so important and accessible and inclusive public transport - and the culture around it - can help.
Yes, children can offer their seats, but the adult doesn't have to take it. And you pay for the ride, not the seat.
"His food-splotched clothing (he's not the neatest eater) might say that I don't care about his appearance. The very way he downs food—he tends to shovel it in rather quickly, because he's trying hard to hold it on the spoon and not drop it—means I haven't taught him manners."
Have spilt carrot juice on my orange jumper.
"Meanwhile, as people judge us they are also making assumptions about our children: they are spoiled, they are bratty, they are messy, they lack manners."
And those assumptions ... in a pinhole of a moment. And they are such ... sweeping ... ones!
I am thinking "My child is not a hard time [especially not for you] - they are having a hard time".
And, yes, this does apply in Tokyo or Paris or Melbourne [Sydney and Brisbane have accessible busses and nice stations in Brisbane in particular].
You push someone to their capability and to the edges of that capability ... you too are responsible for the result.
"Raising children who treat people of all abilities right means encouraging consideration and empathy. It means explaining to them that people have different needs, but everyone wants to feel accepted and respected. It means helping them understand that one size does not fit all—on the bus, at the restaurant or anywhere."
Very true! Not at the theatre; the circus; the opera. And children are incentivised on this [teaching consideration and empathy] in their school reports especially on their excursions and representing the school, the team. That is one good thing which has been going on since the 1990s with some mixed results.
Navigating and negotiating.
And a lot of the ways we talk about religion and about race and other ways to identify people are deeply rooted in ableism. So if we don't talk about this we are cheating and denying our children. We see this in the way Fairyington talked about her Greek mother and her parenting practices.
This might be one of my favorite posts you've written. I read that article in Mom.me and having written for them before, it put me on edge. My son is 5 and has CP and more often than not, videos on the iPad are what soothe him. I'm not going to take that away because someone else decides what acceptable screen time is. His disabilities are quite visible, as he is in a wheelchair. I can't imagine what it must be like for the children whose needs aren't as apparent. Heaven help us if strangers think the iPad or a seat on the subway is indulgent.
ReplyDeleteNewsflash people aren’t mind readers – you must ask for favors. The Mom in that article was 100% in the wrong because she was being PA shooting looks and making side comments. I wouldn’t have jumped up and begged her ladyships pardon. If the child needs a seat because of a disability or just because she is small and can’t stand well on a moving train, the parent should ask for help.
ReplyDeleteEvery time we went to a new restaurant or a meal at a new friend’s house my parents would explain “Kimberly has a potentially deadly allergy to peanuts, she an die just by touching something that has been in contact with peanuts.” I can count on one hand the people that had negative reactions to that.
I have an acquaintance that was one of those negative reactions (no one can be allergic to food by touching it your exaggerating to get attention and spoil our fun). She is now posting outraged pictures of peanut shells at the ballpark screaming about how these monsters could kill her son. Seriously woman 50 years of ballgames of all sorts never had a reaction in a venue because I dress for my own protection. (closed toed shoes, long pants, use a jacket or paper towel to open doors. ) She also claims that 5 guys choice to use peanut oil is the same as Jim Crow laws.
50 years of my type of allergy and I can count on 1 hand the number of people that weren’t willing to help. In one case, it was an airline attendant on a commuter plane. Turned out all 11 people on the plane filed complaints about her treatment of me, another passenger who had anxiety (was using breathing technique she made fun of him), and generally being unpleasant to everyone.