Last week, Nashville mom LynnMarie Rink took her 9-year-old, James, to an Apple store. James has Down syndrome and autism; he uses an iPad as a learning tool, and they were picking up a new one. At some point, James tried to dash out of the store into the mall but instead crashed into a glass wall and fell to the floor. An Apple staffer came over and asked if there was anything he could do. At LynnMarie's request, he got the iPad, sat down next to James and set it up.
LynnMarie posted a thank you note to Apple on her Facebook page, ending it with #BeKindToOneAnother. Elsewhere on her page, she noted how lucky they were for the kindness.
A friend's sister shared the post, which has gone viral. "It got me in the feels," Sheryl said. Me, too. As the mom of a kid with special needs, I appreciate stories like this. But it also gave me a case of the what-ifs. I'll break it down:
What if our children were regularly on the receiving end of such understanding? Then parents wouldn't feel the need to effusively thank people, and stories like this wouldn't make headlines because it would be a normal part of life. Sadly, it isn't. Often people in restaurants, movies and other public places aren't tolerant of our children, especially when they make noise, flap their arms, fuss or have a sensory meltdown. People glare, mutter, make comments and ask management to move them away.
What if people didn't feel badly for kids with special needs? Because that's surely another reason for the popularity of the story, as is clear from comments. It's sooooo heartwarming when someone is nice to those poor children, goes the mindset. I mean, consider this: If Andrew, the Apple store guy, had done this for a child who didn't have special needs and his mom wrote about it, would that story have attracted much attention? Would people be trying to get Andrew on The Ellen Show? Would tears be coming to people's eyes? Would they be sending prayers the family's way? Exactly. I'll bet Andrew would have handled any child this way. I wish the masses would quit considering it an act of sainthood when people with disability are treated normally. This story is an example of excellent customer service, not above-and-beyond humanity.
What if it were no big deal for people to meet those with disability "where they are at," as LynnMarie put it. She meant it both literally and figuratively. Parents of kids with special needs often face resistance when it comes to accommodations in programs, activities and camps—even for birthday parties. It isn't that difficult to level the playing field so that our kids have the same opportunities as others do, but it definitely has to start with an open, willing mind.
None of this is meant to undermine what happened that day in the Apple store; Andrew did a wonderful thing for James.
But then: What if?
People should just treat people with disabilities the same way they treat all people. Yes, sometimes you have to do things a little differently but the same basic concepts of respect apply. I guess what bugs me is the underlying tone that people with disabilities are treated differently because they are different and therefore if you treat them normally you are a hero. These stories are always more complex than they seem.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that!
DeleteI agree with this so much!! Honest statement: sometimes I cringe when I see these viral posts. Especially the ones about the teenagers getting voted prom/homecoming king or queen! Mostly because of the reasons you posted above, but also because I feel like in today's society people go out of their way to do those "kind" things and happen to catch it on video just so it will go viral. The last thing the special needs community needs or wants is false kindness at the sake of promoting an agenda.
ReplyDeleteYes. Yes. Yes!
ReplyDeletewell, yes...BUT. They don't. They should, but they don't. So I'm glad people point it out when they do. And if a post goes viral, all the better because people can see how easy it is to do the right thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a double-edged sword.... Yes, great for people to see this is an easy thing to do, but these stories only go viral because people think it's SO mind-boggling awesome to do this for a kid with special needs.
DeleteI'm glad you wrote this. I wish stories like this could just be the norm, instead of being considered extraordinary and heartwarming.
ReplyDeleteExactly!
DeleteI am working on a concert band arrangement of the Fallen Kingdom trilogy. If I ever go get around to having an ensemble perform it, I want my arrangement to be known because bands like to play it, not because people pity me. I want TryHardNinja fans to sing in the audience "I gaze off into the boundless skyline\Noteblock choirs playing in the sunshine", "Cast the shadows out from sight\A final stand, a shouting cry", and "Don't know if I ever loved\But I feel it" with the band. I don't want someone's reason for choosing my arrangements to be "Pity the autistic arranger", but that they sound good and are enjoyable for bands to play and for the audience to listen to.
ReplyDeleteWell said as always, Anna. That sounds so cool! I hope you can get an ensemble to perform it someday.
DeleteWhat bothered me about the story when I saw it was the headline describing the child as throwing "a wild tantrum." He ran into glass, fell down, got hurt, and cried. Any child would cry, but his reaction was classified by the headline writer as a tantrum. I assume it's because we would expect a child on the spectrum to throw a tantrum.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you are saying, but there have been so many times that one tiny act of kindness has made my day when dealing with my children who do not have special needs. I think about the times someone let us cut the bathroom line before my kid had an accident or the waitress who brought more crayons when my kids were fighting over them and saved ME from a meltdown. those people really were my heroes for the day. I think we should have more opportunities to tell people their thoughtfulness made a difference, not less. I think everyone can relate to how good it feels when a stranger does something small that turns our whole day around and THAT is why these stories resonate with people. I don't think it's necessarily people feeling pity for the special needs person who got the help. Just my perspective.....
ReplyDeleteThe stories also show people who to be kind, practically. Someone who reads this, and learns the simple lesson of asking, "Is there anything I can do to help?" is a pass it forward effect of these stories.
DeleteI'm not going to support the valorization of kindness in these stories, and it is worth calling out that aspect of thes tories. A person is a hero when they risk something to save someone else. This act of kindness involves no risk, and, is indeed, mere kindness, which we should all offer each other.
Wen, I totally agree, acts of kindness like this make my day, too. But they are everyday actions, not acts of heroism. I'm just saying this story and others like it wouldn't get the attention they do if they involved a child who didn't have special needs--and the reason for that is what I take issue with. I just don't like people thinking it's such a big deal to do this for a kid with disability.
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