"I have two kids, one with special needs, and an adult child I have to stay on top of—as in, my husband," writes a reader. "He is overall a very hands-on dad who plays with the kids, takes them to activities and helps our son eat, bathe and get dressed. I'm grateful for that. That said, I am the parent who usually handles all therapist and doctor appointments, including booking them and taking our son. And there are a lot of appointments. Sometimes, I need my husband to step in, and this is where things go wrong. First I have to regularly remind him to schedule the appointment, which can take him weeks to get around to, then I have to make sure he actually brings our son as he has accidentally skipped visits in the past. (In case you're wondering, he is like this in other parts of our life, too; I have to ask him to do things numerous times, whether it's paying bills or getting something fixed in our house.) Like I said, it's wonderful how great he is with the kids, but I just can't handle being the only person handling our son's therapies and doctor visits, and I resent it. And yes, I have told him how I feel about this but nothing has changed. What can I do?"
OK, wise readers, advise away.
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Decide what is most important and take charge of that; give responsibility for other things to him, and the authority to do them. In other words, if it is important to you that your son make those appointments, participate in that therapy etc., then take charge of it--make the appointment, haul him etc. but relinquish other chores--and that means give them up completely. Sit down with your husband, divide up the chores, and then let him take responsibility for his. That means if the laundry is his chore, you don't stand over him and tell him to make sure he uses Woolite on your sweater, and doesn't put it in the dryer. If he washes the darks with the whites, so be it. If he doesn't wash as often as you would; buy new undies if you run out, or run a batch of your clothes when he isn't around to rescue favorites from his way but he isn't a child and probably doesn't like being treated like one. He isn't going to do things the way you would; let go and let him do it his way. If he doesn't cook dinner, then everyone goes hungry.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought is whether your spouse could handle those appointments if you weren't around -- is he flaking out because he knows you are there ultimately to pick up the pieces? Often organize people assume that the person who drops the ball is "purposely" messing up. And, sometimes they are.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, those tasks could be truly hard for him to do -- scheduling appointments/keeping them, requires social skills, for the scheduling, and organization/executive skills, for the calendaring/keeping track of time. Does he have those skills, evident in other parts of his life? And if so, how does he manage them? Putting those tools in place for these responsibilities might help, as well (family calendars, do lists, alarms, . . .).
Alternatively, it's also possible that these skills are very hard for him. Then, think about what you want. Is it more time for yourself? More time as a family? More time with the kids? Avoiding certain unpleasant chores? And talk about which of those chores you can handle and which he may be able to handle.
Often, couples in equitable marriages where everyone shared the chores, have challenges to face when needy children join the family (and, of course, all children are needy); When it's just the two of you, each person can be, ultimately, responsible for themselves. WIth the children, there are additional duties to share. But, those duties don't have to be allocated with equal precision (i.e trading laundry week by week -- one person can cook, the other bathe the kids, . . . .). But sometimes this requires discussion rather than assumptions or natural patterns.
zb
PS: Also, I think sometimes the frustration that you describe might result from fear -- the fear that your children will *actually* not be taken care of you are not there (in the short term, like when you are getting your hair done, but also in the longer term, if you have to go away, or, something happens to you). Working through that fear together, with some plan in place for how those things will get done, say, if you had to go away for a month to take care of a relative, might help.
ReplyDeletezb
From the description, I can tell that he might be a sanguine and you might be melancholic. Sanguines are not task-oriented; they are more relational than melancholics. Their spontaneous, impetuous nature can frustrate melancholics to no end. However, sanguines like to please others and Mr. Sanguine will plan more if he knows it will win your approval. Give Mr. Sanguine a pat on the back when he follows through on something rather than castigating him for not doing so. Keep in mind that Mr. Sanguine might be just as frustrated with his forgetful nature as you are, if not more. If I am mistaken about him being a sanguine or if the sanguine traits look like something more than the sanguine temperament, I recommend that get tested for ADHD. (I am completely serious about this.) ADHD and the sanguine temperament are markedly similar in some ways, but different in many. Do research on both and consult an expert about your findings. I am not qualified to tell you if this a conflict of humors or something more, so my advice is to find someone who is.
ReplyDeleteHere is a book you may enjoy, and which will certainly make you think http://rannthisthat.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-perfect-son-my-review.html
ReplyDeleteThis is very difficult. It reminds me of Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire - a child/man. I wonder how he managed before marriage and children personal bills, etc. How does he manage responsibility at work? Is his behaviour a choice or is it an inability to absorb/remember/perform essential tasks? I guess the answer to that question will determine to some extent the amount of resentment and blame you feel. Nevertheless, a agreed division of labor will have to be drawn up. Like Rann and others here have said, he may be able to take on other chores your are currently doing that are not related to your child's disability. It sounds like you might not want him to take on responsibility in the disability area if he cannot be depended upon anyway. My husband was completely absorbed at work all our son's life and I was the sole disability expert. I liked it that way because it wasn't a democracy - I made the decisions and did the negotiating. Sometimes it's harder to have to reach consensus at home and not have the continuity of care that one person can bring. I was lucky that we could divide the labor that way because I wasn't working outside the home - our son is very medically complex. That said, it's very difficult not to feel resentful when one parent doesn't take serious responsibilities seriously.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have to accept the help that is given willingly, rather than try to force the partner into taking on tasks he/she is not able or willing to undertake. The fact that he will willingly occupy the children, and assist with the daily activities involving the children should free you to do those other tasks, which you are obviously better suited to. Write a list of all the things he DOES to help in the partnership, and see if you are being fair to him. Yes, appointments, etc, do take time and organisation, but it is often preferable for one partner to do these; that way there is a continuity of care for the child, and you can establish a rapport with the therapists, doctors, hospitals, etc. Having a child with disabilities puts extra stress and strain on a relationship and family; just remember that there are women who are trying to cope with everything, either because they are a single parent now, or the partner does not want to be involved. While he is bathing the children, etc, take some time out for yourself so that you don't feel so pressured. It's about being kind to yourself, as well as your partner and your children.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Ruby. I'm truly happy my partner is willing to assist me. Maybe request politely that he should come to any appointments with you? Also remember that your husband is NOT abandoning you or your children.
ReplyDeleteMy husband attends some Noah's appointments himself while I work. I would recommend that you and him sit down to discuss appointments. See if you can work something out tactfully. Maybe he is spontaneous rather than organized. If that's the case I advise you to start small and take it from there. Divide the appointments up. My husband and I divide up our son's appointments. He takes Noah to his uro appointments while I work. I handle Noah's ortho appointments.
My final piece of advice- don't get stressed. It's not worth it.
Your husband seems to be a very hands on Dad. You mentioned that he feeds, dresses, bathes etc for your child. I know that doesn't change how feel when you have to do all therapy and dr scheduling and visits. That said, I would think that takes quite a load off your shoulders. Is it possible that you have been critical about how and when he makes the appointments and if he runs late or misses one? My husbands middle name is procrastinate, but after 37 years I have come to the conclusion if I "nag" him (his words:)) it takes even longer or is done with a frown and some grumbling and neither of us are happy. If it's something I can do, but I'm just trying to make a point, I have found there is much more harmony in the house if I do it. He in turn does thing that I don't like to do or that I put off. I hate to unload the dishwasher so he does it the majority of the time. I hate to take the trash out because we live in the country and I have seen snakes in that part of the yard. My husband doesn't do phone calls and appointments because he wears legally deaf and so many people don't talk loud enough for him to hear. I take longer to get ready for church because I gave to sit with my coffee to function so he irons the grandkids and my clothes for church. It's sort of like disciplining your kids in that you have to pick your battles. My husband has a bad heart and has numerous surgeries and dr appointments. I make all his appointments and go with him to make sure he understands everything they say. Once I said I don't think I'll go. He said if you don't go, don't give me the third degree when I get home about what I said and what the dr said. Is it possible you were doing that to your husband when he took your child to appointments and that made him uncomfortable? I heard a very wise person last week say that marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100! Everyone needs to give their all to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI would like to recommend a book to you that might help you understand your husband a little better. The book is "Women Talk, Men Walk" by Dr. Wynette Kirk, Psychologist. She also has a blog that has some good information on marriage and family drwkirk.blogspot.com.
I hope you are able to put some of the information passed on by different people here and come up with a working solution for your family. God Bless.
Part Two
ReplyDeleteI'm a flight attendant. My husband hates that I get to fly to exotic cities. Still I love it.