Monday, August 24, 2015
When people stare at your child
We walked into the sushi restaurant at around 5:00 p.m. We like to get to dinner before the crowds descend because it's more chill for Max. A group of waiters stood in the center of the room. I noticed one of them staring at Max. Blatantly. Her eyes followed him as he ambled to the sushi bar. She said something in Japanese to the other staffers and literally cocked her head at him. She didn't notice me watching her.
I turned on my heels and walked toward them, out of Max's earshot. "Is there a reason you're staring at my son?" I asked her, straightforwardly.
She didn't say a word. Nobody did. They just kind of stood there, awkwardly.
I returned to Max, Dave and Sabrina and we had a good, uneventful meal.
Perhaps, you say, she was thinking he was handsome. Maybe she thought he looked familiar.
No, I say. She was doing that stare-glare thing. It wasn't a kind, friendly or even curious look—those, I understand. It was a "What is up with him?" look.
Oh, how I'm glad Max still doesn't notice. Oh, how I wish I was oblivious too. Oh, how I wish I could stop caring. But I can't.
Sometimes, depending on the situation, I can get a conversation going. Like if we're at a park and another parent is looking at Max, I can just say "Hi" or "Hey" or "Some days, I can't believe how fast he's growing up!" and maybe they just say "Hi" back and stop staring or maybe it leads to a discussion about disabilities.
But when someone's so obviously gaping or gawking, when we're paying to eat out and looking to enjoy an evening together like any other family, I'm going to call someone on the staring. It's rude and unsettling, it makes my heart ache for Max, and it's nothing we should have to contend with.
One day, hopefully, Max can stand up for himself. For now, though, I'm there for him.
Good for you, tiger mama!
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I hate when people stare. I guess I just wonder what confronting people accomplishes. Like you, I try to greet people with smiles and hellos when I catch them staring. It is so hard and, of course, I don't always feel like doing that, so lots of time I just ignore them. My hope is that by giving them a friendly greeting, they will feel more comfortable around us. I don't ever confront anyone unless they are actively discriminating against my child. I've always felt that calling someone on their poor behavior will just make them defensive and put us further apart.
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before, Mother Teresa, I am not. If someone is literally glaring at Max—and again, I mean a definitive non-kindly look (not to mention that she literally nodded her head toward him)—I do not have it in me to smile back in return, nor can I ignore them. And while I may be confronting them, I don't do it in an obnoxious tone. I'm calling their attention to the fact that I am aware of what they're doing, and that it's not cool.
DeleteYup. This. Sometimes they don't even know you noticed... (I'm Deaf and often, people gape at me signing in public but assume I didn't see them staring at me. I have called them out respectfully and so many are startled/surprised I am aware of what they are doing. So I think people DO need to have this brought to their awareness.
DeleteOops, dropped a ) along the way... Haha.
DeleteYou would think that people would realize this is the year 2015. Perhaps because the waitress was Japanese and they don't have the same level of inclusion for the disabled in Japan she was simply not used to seeing someone with a disability. I suppose this could also be called "Welcome to America" time.
ReplyDeleteYour comment makes me uncomfortable. I am an American-born Asian-American. The assumption that Asians are foreign-born should not be made, even if you see the person speaking an Asian language. Japan is a civilized country that has inclusion initiatives like America. Perhaps this waitress has lived in America for a while if she is indeed foreign-born. I know foreign-born Chinese-Americans who have lived in America for varying lengths of time. Assuming that ableist Asians are in need of "Welcome to America' time" is both racist and ignorant.
DeleteI sometimes find myself staring because I want to say "Hi" or something, but don't want to interrupt or offend.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. This was not that kind of look, however.
DeleteBy the way, I've seen some racist comments and I want them removed.
DeleteI can so understand what you're feeling. I've gotten used to the staring, but, like you, I have my days too when my tongue has a mind of it's own. I'm wondering if that employee was raised in an Asian country where those with disabilities were institutionalized and not seen in public. That might explain, but in no way excuse, her blatant staring.
ReplyDeleteI know someone who was raised in an Asian country. She (referring to the person I know) is not ableist in any way I am aware of. Your blaming this person's (assumed) country of origin makes me uncomfortable as an (American-born) Japanese-American and as a friend of the person mentioned above. I consider your comment racist because it suggests that Americans are inherently superior in inclusion to Asians. You also drew from the fact that she was Japanese and speaking the language the assumption that she was raised in Japan. That assumption may be untrue and is unnecessary.
DeleteOops I replied to this below my other comments, instead of this one. I do not know how this mistake occurred. Please read what I said and also accept my apologies for making a mess of the threads :)
DeleteI don't like being stared at. And I probably get a lot less stares than Max. I've noticed as I have gotten older my peers stare more than question and I much rather prefer the polite questions because that way I feel like a human and not a specimen under a microscope.
ReplyDeleteStaring is so cruel, but unfortunately it is something that I don't believe will ever be eradicated, no matter how much we try to educate society
ReplyDeleteUgh, I don't blame you one bit. I think you were absolutely right to call her on it.
ReplyDeleteEvery once in awhile we all need to be unleashed. Maybe she'll think twice before she insults another paying customer.
ReplyDeleteI obviously agree on the cruelty of staring and the necessity to call on people that indulge in such an inappropriate and uncivilized thing, however I am very uncomfortable with the comments suggesting people of Asian origin have worse attitudes against disability. Welcome to racist America, you ableist Asians!
ReplyDeleteI agree. The comments about her nationality are making me uncomfortable. It disheartens me that people would somehow connect the waitress's ableist attitude with her race.
DeleteI am from Japan and am deaf. I did not take this personally. Japan actually does institutionalize the disabled still. In Japanese, we have no word for autism. I did not know about autism until I moved to America. So it is not racist. It is a sad reality in Japan that we are not as up-to-date and educated with disability. Japan, we do not have wheelchair cuts in the curbs. It is very inaccessible in Japan.
DeleteBy the way, I am educated because my father is an American citizen so my parents paid for my sign language interpreter at an international school. This is not what often happens in Japan with Deaf education. I was luckier than most. Most Deaf Japanese will go to a boarding school for the deaf and parents do not often learn sign language. My parents know sign and are not ashamed. This is rare. Disability is very much a stigma in Japan still.
DeleteAmerican born is very very very different from Japanese born. Japan, disability is still a stigma! Like I mentioned in a comment below, we do not have a word for autism/autistic in Japanese. The closest word is actually offensive....I don't think she was making a bad assumption- it is reasonable to think perhaps the worker is not used to people with disability, if she is indeed from Japan. We have a saying in Japan- the nail that sticks up, must be hammered down. People with disabilities are viewed as "nails sticking up"- my nation is a very interdependent one compared to America.
DeleteI completely understand. There are some days that I too start a conversation and feel like have helped another person understand a little more about CP. But there are many ts where you know anything you say isn't going to matter and I just want to eat my dinner or walk in the mall or.... I don't understand because I would never EVER have stared at a another person not matter what. I really don't get how it is ok. There was one time when my son was younger and walked with a walker and we were leaving the mall. There was a mother and her daughter, who was around 16 leaving at the same time. The daughter was staring so much at my son that when they past us, she turned around and walked backwards to stare at him some more. The mother finally saw and said "would you turn around now". The daughter di and walked straight into a handicap parking post. Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteI am a 25 year old lady. I have cp. All my life people have stared at me. And I hate it. My mother will say hi if it is a nice look, like you said. and she says to me smile at them. That only works on a nice person. However real starers will just turn away. With them I just stare back. See how they like it.
ReplyDeleteWhen my daughter was brain injured at the age of four (car accident), she went from a perfectly normal child to one who was severely brain injured, needed help walking, wore a helmet on her head for protection, and her face sagged on the right side, her right arm curled in to her body. She was awkward looking, and definitely a child with disabilities. I had a very, very hard time taking her out places because I could not STAND all the looks she got. The stares. I hated it so much. I was used to having a typical child, and suddenly and without warning my typical child turned into a disabled one. I remember I didn't want to take her to the parks, even though she enjoyed them. As a four year old, normally she would run to the slide, the swing, and do four-year-old age appropriate play. But after her injury, "fun" to her was sitting in the sand, picking up a fistful of sand, and watching it as it slowly poured out of her hand. She would do this for hours. I would sit there, watching her, and my heart was already broken up about it. But then to add to my hurt, I could see others staring at her. Feeling sorry for her? Curious about her? I had no idea. But oh, it bugged me. So I stopped taking her to the parks. I stopped taking her out and about with me. One day my husband said to me, "You know....if you don't look around to search for people staring at her, and you keep your eyes just on her and what you are doing, then you won't see the stares. Try that. Because it's not fair to keep her away from things that are fun for her just because other people make you feel bad." He had a point. So, I tried his suggestion. I took her to the park the next day, a crowded day, and I sat with her in the sand and played alongside her. I did not once look up to see who might be staring. My only focus was on my daughter and myself. And it worked. That day...NO ONE stared at her. Or at least, I didn't SEE anyone staring at her. That first year after her injury was the hardest on me. It's been about 18 years not and I honestly can say that if anyone stares at her it no longer bothers me. I'm just not sensitive to it anymore. And I don't go looking around for the stares, either. So maybe they do happen. Who knows. As long as I don't see them, I don't care.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had anyone stare at my daughter in a while. The last time that happened, I said to the woman, "Excuse me, are you okay?" She stopped staring and said yes I am okay and I think it hit her that maybe I thought it was something wrong with her instead. Sometimes people are unaware of how ignorant their looks are. Most of the time I don't notice but when I do, that's my new line :)
ReplyDeleteI would say just accept it and try not to make a big deal about it for any kind of the stare.
ReplyDeleteThe important person here is your son. Not your emotions or waitress. What does your son feels about it? I don't know what kind of disability your son has.
If he has mental disability and I doubt if he would even bother about it.
If your son is mentally sound I would suggest you do not react to any kind of stare as your son will pick up on it. He will think something is wrong with him( sad or negative emotional build up) instead he is just the way he is.
Its okay till you are around him but someday he has to manage himself. He will not know what to do as you were the one who was handling all of that for him and teaching him unconciously people look at him because something is wrong with him. Its not cool.
I would send my son to her and ask him to say hi and just simply talk to her. Or I would call her on my table offer a seat and tell my son "hey buddy, she wants to say hi to you and wants to say something."
I don't care what i feel or someone else feels but I would care the most how my son feels and If He believes that he can still do whatever he wants just like any other child.