"Max, are you OK?" I shouted from upstairs. It was morning and Max had gone downstairs to watch TV.
No response. I repeated myself. No response.
Oh.
"Fireman Max, are you OK?" I shouted.
"YEAH!" he said.
These days, Max only responds to "Fireman Max" when he's around us. If friends or family call him "Max," he'll correct them. When he meets someone new and they ask him his name, he says "Fireman Max." At school, he's still "Max" although he does sometimes write "Fireman Max" on his homework.
I'm planning Max's April 2016 bar mitzvah, and one thing I'd like to do is get him a kippah (a traditional head covering) imprinted with a fire truck and his name. (And, yes, the theme of the bar mitzvah is fire trucks and we'll offer guests red kippot.) I found the above fun version at Kippah Corner. I am also thinking of having someone needlepoint one; a high school friend who lives in Israel found a lady who can do it for me.
So here's the dilemma: Do I get "Fireman Max" or just "Max" on the kippah? I am torn. If I ask him, I know exactly what he'll want so I haven't yet gone there or discussed design choices. We have already talked about his wearing the Fire Chief hat, and he has agreed that while it will be at the bar mitzvah he won't wear it. I am dubious. But if he's psyched about his kippah, perhaps it won't be an issue.
The thing is, it seems only fair to have Fireman Max on his kippah because that is how he IDs.
The thing is, it seems only fair to have Fireman Max on his kippah because that is how he IDs.
Still: I do not want him to seem baby-ish at a ceremony that celebrates a boy's coming of age. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for a 13-year-old kid who calls himself by a little kid name.
And yet: Max is who he is, and I have always treated him accordingly, not caring whether he acts younger than his years in private or in public. He certainly could care less, and this day is about him, not me. Besides, not many things about the bar mitzvah will be traditional (my need for cocktail franks aside). Max is not going to read from the Torah, for one. I've found a music therapist to work with him on making up a song they will sing together, along with a couple of blessings. No, following customs isn't key; what is important to me is creating a day that's meaningful to Max. Which makes me lean toward Fireman Max on his kippah.
Sure, I could hedge my bets and have two different kippahs made, one with just "Max" and one with "Fireman Max" but if I show him both I am 100 percent sure which he'd choose. There would be no negotiating (say, he wears "Max" in the sanctuary and "Fireman Max" at the party that follows) because I'm sure he wouldn't go for it. Even if he agreed, on the day of he might refuse and I sure do not want to be doing kippah battle at his bar mitzvah when there are hors d'oeuvres to gorge on.
What say you, wise people?
Image: Kippah Corner
I would get it to say Fireman Max, because (as you said) Max's Bar Mitzvah will be more about creating a special day for him--one he will hopefully tie to his culture and religion in his memory--than it will be about the traditional concept of becoming a man. Because, the thing is, I think most boys who are not very Orthodox (as I have never gotten the feeling your family is) see their Bar Mitzvah as a sign of growing older, rather than growing up. Among my friends (admittedly Special Needs, but ED as opposed to ID), several wore a "childish" yarmulke to their Bar Mitzvah (everything from baseball logos to video-game characters), while several others were upset of annoyed that their parents wouldn't let them do so. Thirteen, while an adult in Judaism, is still a child in our culture; think of the popular themes for B'nei Mitzvot, many all about childish dreams: hoops and Hollywood; horses and Harry Potter. That Max is more on the end of pushing upwards towards "age-appropriateness" (whatever that is), rather than trying to hold down the ease and innocence of childhood as it starts floating away, shouldn't matter to the people who love him...and I believe that those will be the people who you choose to celebrate Max's coming-of-age with you, and who in turn accept your invitation.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I have absolutely zero idea if this will work, for multiple reasons, but...if you really want to hedge your bets, perhaps you could also get a "do-it-yourself" yarmulke kit, allow Max to choose the design to be painted/stamped on it, and then have him write "Max" on the other side. (Like I said, I have absolutely no clue if that idea helps at all--I can see myriad positives and negatives to it--but it is an idea, and also something that could be done nearly last-minute.)
Do what makes Max happy (people will come and go)
ReplyDeleteDuh. As usual, I am way overthinking things. Go with what Nisha said. :-)
DeleteYes I agree with Nisha. It's a day to celebrate Fireman Max. If it wouldn't bother him to be called that in public (and apparently it doesn't if he tells people to call him by that nane) then I say Fireman Max it should be. But you already knew that, didn't you? You sound like me in that you just needed someone else to tell you it's ok. ❤️
DeleteWe're going through this a bit with my son, so here's my thought (NOT advice :-)) -- talk about how the bar mitzvah signifies the transition between being a boy and being a man. Talk about the difference between "boy names" and "man names." Talk about the need to answer when people call him by his "man name." Talk about how there is always a part of him that will be Fireman Max, but that there are sometimes when it's important to be Max. With my son, we talk about the need to be a "Man of Honor" when he has to step up and behave more responsibly. Maybe this helps? I think you guys are doing a great job, and you have excellent instincts, so it's a win-win situation. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteNot a suggestion, just another option. Could you still order the 2 Kippahs and hide the Fireman Max one until after the ceremony and some pictures? Then surprise Max with the Fireman Max Kippah for the celebration and more pictures. That way, if as an adult Max chooses not to be Fireman Max he will have some pictures and memories with the Max Kippah. Also, this is still about 9 months away and there is a chance (slim though it may be) that between now and then Max may have decided on his own that he no longer wants to be called Fireman Max. He had some other strong obsessions that have faded in the past. Whatever you decide I am sure Max's special day will be wonderful and the most important thing will be the love and support of your family and friends.
ReplyDeleteGo with "Fireman Max". It's his day and he is confident enough to shake the haters off. Seventh grade is not a normal time to
ReplyDeleteplay the flute, but I got playing anyway.
I like the suggestions above, but there's also the idea of NOT getting it monogrammed. Maybe the fire engine is enough, and you don't need any additional tsuris about what name is on there.
ReplyDeleteGet a kippah made that has a "grown up" looking firetruck or looks like what a grown up fireman would wear and put on fireman max. The crocheted ones can be any pattern you want. If the firetruck looks less like a toy it would totally work.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anoymous 8:25. Max might not want to be referred to as "Fireman" come April. I love the idea of purchasing two and hiding one. That way, Max can have a Max-approved name on his kippah no matter what. I also see the fire truck as a symbol for the "Fireman" part of his name. Everyone will see his interests with this kippah.
ReplyDeleteI say Fireman Max (with the understanding that you might be in trouble come April if he's no longer Fireman Max.. what if he bumps himself up to Chief??) I think if anyone sees the joy he gets out of being Fireman Max and thinks they should pity him, they are sorely mistaken and in for an awakening. Even if he outgrows this phase, both you and he will look upon that kippah with fondness!!
ReplyDeleteI would get the Max one and if he complains just explain that even firemen are not always called "fireman X" when they are not at work and that he can be a fireman even if it just says Max. The fire truck is already a symbol. He can take this opportunity to learn something new, but if you think it would probably become a tragedy for him then you should get both and give him the fireman one if he refuses the other one.
ReplyDeleteMax is who Max is at this stage in life. Unless he is going to stop being Fireman Max at his Bar Mitzvah, then that's his name for the time being. (I do like the way Kevin J thinks above -- food for thought for the future, but Max may not be there yet?) I've been reading the blog for years, and am confident Max will move on eventually -- his interests have been maturing on his own timetable, but still maturing. No one can predict what he will be interested in next, so why rush it?
ReplyDeleteI did have the same thought as Zach - let the firetruck speak for itself and leave the name off. But admittedly, I have very limited knowledge of your traditions and keepsakes. At any rate, no one will put as much thought into it as you will, and so whatever you pick will be fine. Good luck!
I've been reading everyone's thoughts with interest, and really appreciate how you're taking the time to consider Max's preferences. I think Max could totally pull off the Fireman Max version, and agree with the suggestion that a firetruck that looks less toy-like would help. Ultimately, it's about him being who he is.
ReplyDeleteWrite out the word "fireman" in Hebrew. Only Max, his family, and guests who read Hebrew will get it. Everyone else will think you're following 5,000 year old traditions.
ReplyDelete--Phyl
I love all the thoughtful suggesions. My general, and generic input would be that with children, one should always be prepared for change.
ReplyDeleteFirst, understand that my advice comes from a place of not being very traditional and encouraging my children's individuality. There IS some lovable eccentricity in this household. so if this were my quirky son, I'd go with his preferences in order for him to have true buy in. My son happens to be extremely quirky and strong minded.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to be called Dog (name) as a kid. My parents allowed this at home but not in public. I think it was a good decision not to feed too much into it. I was VERY opinionated but still accepted that. Time and place for everything. I like Phyllis' idea of writing fireman in Hebrew.. Tell max it's like a secret code :) that's a nice compromise
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting before readings any comments, so that I'm not swayed or under any "peer pressure". I think that by putting "Fireman Max" on his kip pay, you honor and accept Max. You send a clear message to all involved that you live, honor, cherish, and accept Max...now and at any stage of life. Could he get married as Fireman Max? I hope so! Or do anything else....
ReplyDeleteFireman Max it is! I also like the idea of a more mature firetruck. I think he can rock it with style. Remember your tagline--kids who totally kick butt...Let Max do just that in HIS special way.
ReplyDeleteFireman Max!!
ReplyDelete(Is there any chance he'll move beyond this latest craze by April 2016? It would be a shame to have a whole fire-themed party and have him suddenly like, say, trains instead.)
Get Fireman Max because Max is Max, and he will love it
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to acknowledge all of the many things going on with wondering about this. Max's preference now, that this ceremony represents him entering his journey as a man, and other people.
ReplyDeleteSo, in my opinion, forget the other people. My gut was to say "Go with Fireman Max!" but also you bring up a good point when it comes to the ceremony part of it and the only reason I'd not go with Fireman Max is if you think that in the very near future, he might regret that. Which leads me to thinking that you first have a conversation about how this ceremony means he's growing up and maybe he will change his mind about being a fireman, as adults do, and then let him choose. My guess is that he, like every kid, will balk at the idea of ever changing his mind. I think though (and this is of course my own opinion) that if later, he thinks it's "babyish" that you can remind him that he was positive he'd always be Fireman Max. Does that make sense? Also again, who cares what other people think. I mean, of course we care. But I wish we didn't have to. And for the rest of the years, what Max thinks, and what you and Dave and Sabrina think is what matters. This is your family's celebration. xxoo