Coincidentally, I have that variety of relative too! The person I'm thinking of didn't see Max that often and didn't get him at all. He could not understand why Max would freak out at gatherings, and thought he was just being a brat.
Once, when I walked into a room and found this person chiding Max for getting agitated about something, I said, "I think the best thing is for him to be alone right now because he's overstimulated," and I whisked him away. I was upset but there was no point in getting into it right then and there because it's hard to have a good, rational conversation in the heat of the moment. (Although fantasizing about tossing my glass of wine at him was a bit calming.)
I finally called this person and told him I wanted to give him the Max lowdown, so he could better understand his needs. I explained that because of sensory issues crowds and noises would unnerve him, even if it was people he knew. Our talk helped. He's still not Max's BFF, but at least he no longer rolls his eyes at him or preaches to him about his behavior.
What tactics have you used for handling relatives in these situations? Or just feel free to vent.
I have this uncle who thought developmental delays were a result of bad parenting. No, they were a result(in my case) of prematurity.
ReplyDeleteAs an autistic person, I usually explain myself or keep stuffing my face to prevent myself from making a comment I'll regret later. Most of my relatives know I'm averse to certain foods, so they accommodate me.
ReplyDeleteMy mother in law didn't get why Molly wasn't walking at age 2. She told me if I put her down, she would walk. Oy!
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to be mobile with Addie--she requires a lot of equipment. If we do manage to get to one of my siblings' homes with her we cannot stay long and that is no fun for anyone. So, unless we are hosting the holiday meal, Addie stays home with a caregiver ( I pay a large holiday bonus and have never had trouble engaging someone.)
ReplyDeleteThis way my husband and I can relax, catch up with everyone and my other children get to enjoy some real family time with their aunts, uncles and many cousins
My siblings are very supportive. Interestingly enough, the only one who has ever objected to Addie is my nephew with Asperger's---her noises bother him--mostly his Dad just takes him into another room
So your nephew's Asperger disability is not as important as your daughter's special needs. If he has ASD and your daughter continually makes annoying noises then yes, it will bother him AND he has every right to say so. Her noises are also bothering everyone else in the room they are just to PC to admit it.
DeleteI think you mean too PC
DeleteI think you either have to explain what it means to have Autism or just get your child away from that person.
ReplyDeleteI used to get very upset about it. I'm glad to explain to those that do not understand, but I am thankful that they are learning and becoming aware.
ReplyDeleteThe interesting thing to me is the fact that we have run into this less as my son has gotten older. At four or five we'd get the "can't you control him", "well, if you were stricter with him...", not to mention the occasional rude looks in the store aisles. I guess they saw a five year old acting like a two or three year old and thought "why can't his parents keep him in line?"
ReplyDeleteOf course, when they see a teenager acting like a three year old, it seems to "click" in most peoples' brains that there just might be something more going on here than the parents not being good at disciplining their kids...
Good luck to one and all, and happy Thanksgiving.
-Alyssa
P.S. = Whatever you decide to do, realize that your other kids are taking notes from you on how to help their brother or sister, so as much as you may enjoy exploding at the rude person you are dealing with, you may want to hold off on doing so. Unless you want to have to apologize for your other kids' behaviors the next time someone makes a hurtful comment about their "special" sibling...
This may sound cruel, but try this: Give THANKS that you have relatives who are in your kid's life! They will not be around forever. (We just lost 3 in one year, all of whom loved my son and were helpful to him simply by their presence in his life--even if they didn't always interact w/ him in the optimal way. My son can't see/judge the faults in others, they just are who they are. His Grandpa (who LOVED him) but often lost his temper with him, "HEY, I SAID NO JUMPING ON MY COUCH!", yet, my son enjoyed that attention and would script that statement at home saying, "WHAT DOES GRANDPA SAY?" as he jumped on OUR couch, then imitating his Grandpa. Kids get that not everyone tries to discipline them in the same way.
ReplyDeleteI'd turn to that uncle and say, "No, sometimes I can't, it's exhausting. Feel free to try. Sometimes he responds better to other adults than me. He might like a walk around the block with you."
Our youngest son has Childhood Apraxia of Speech. My stepmother rolls her eyes anytime it is mentioned and told me once that it is a made up disorder along with Autism....that basically she believes they are diagnosed so parents will pay for services such as speech ect....I mean where do u even begin educating someone like this?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteYou don't. You ignore the person
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