In the last couple of months, Max has developed a new mission in life: He would like to go first.
He wants to be the first one into the minivan when we go out.
He wants to be the first one to walk in the door when we come home.
He wants to be the first one to step into someone else's house when we visit.
He wants to be the first one into the park, the playground, the mall, the museum, wherever.
He does NOT want to be the first one to take his vitamins or to go to sleep at night, however. Go figure.
Sometimes, as he dashes ahead of us somewhere, he'll announce "I win!"
I'm loving this competitive side of him, which I've never seen before. I've been trying to find a new local sports activity or team where his gotta-be-first urges can be put to good physical use.
But I've also been struggling with this. Sabrina, for one reason.
Usually, here's how it goes:
We arrive somewhere.
"Eee irs!" says Max. ["Me first!']
Me to Sabrina: "Please let him go first" (while feeling guilty for asking, because she deserves to go first, too).
Sabrina: "OK!"
She's usually good-natured about this, with the occasional eye roll. "Max is sooooo sensitive!" she likes to say, as a way of describing Max's requests and sensory issues. If she ever got really upset about this I'd put an end to it but she doesn't seem to mind or care. Nor do I let him do this around other kids. For our family, though, letting him lead the way seems like a small price to pay for keeping the peace, because he gets seriously upset if he does not go first.
Still, Sabrina is only 9 years old and sometimes, she'll dash ahead of him anyway and Max will let out a roar. That's what happened at the diner the other day. When he started having a meltdown in the waiting area, with all of us hungry and tired, I declared "Do over!" and we trudged out again and down the ramp so Max could go up first.
If our family was ever in a reality show, it would be the most boring reality show ever.
Something else I struggle with: What am I teaching Max by always letting him go first? As a child with special needs, he gets a whole lot of attention in our family. I do not want him growing up thinking the world revolves around him, and I usually do my best to not let him have his way.
But then I think of how older children sometimes allow younger children, ones who are less adept than they are, to win races or games. This isn't that different. Max needs all the confidence he can get in this world. And if coming in fake first makes him feel good and victorious, well, there are far worse parenting decisions I could make.
Even the simplest little things can be complicated when it comes to our special needs kiddos. I see the same sibling rivalry w/ my sons- I wonder if its typical or something more. Dan- dad of Ryan age 7 w/ Down Syndrome and Nathan age 5.
ReplyDeleteAt least he'll never be late lol. On a serious note please don't forget about Sabrina my sister had a really hard time with the fact that I got all the attention when we were younger now that she's in university I think she understands that my parents didn't love her any less even though they paid more attention to me.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Nisha. Sabrina gets plenty of attention, too--my husband and I make sure of it.
DeleteLike so many things, it's a phase, one many average kids go through too, mine included! But a good idea to temper it may be to read "Ladies First" to him - http://www.pagepulp.com/1496/ladies-first-by-shel-silverstein/
ReplyDeleteGREAT idea and poem, I remembered it as soon as I read it. Shel Silverstein rocks. We have the book here, I will read to Max.
DeleteI think it's important to introduce the idea that sometimes other people come first. Only because there will be so many situations in Max's life (in all of our lives) where he can't come first. I think he needs to see that things don't fall apart when he doesn't go first and he can adapt. Just a thought, thinking about my son who has some rigid patterns and how we were told that the worst thing we can do is to always honour them. He has to learn that sometimes we won't do things the way he wants, and that he'll survive.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of when our kids were 3 and 5 and we started out on a 6 week long car camping trip. Our 5 year old had just started to talk and for the first three days cried and said, "Home, home." It was killing us, but we kept on with the trip and by the fourth day he was happy. When my mom relayed this story to her neighbours, who ran a group home for disabled adults, they said it was the best thing we could have done, because they deal with adults who are extremely stuck in their patterns.
DeleteThe next summer we did a different car camping trip and it started out with tears again, but we kept going. Each summer the same thing happened, but with fewer tears. Now, 6 years later we can go to places like China and he'll sail along, happy as can be.
Louise, you are the voice of wisdom and reason, as always.
DeleteLet him go bold and confidently! What's the alternative? Teach him not to be brave? To not be enthusiastic? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteI want to reiterate what Nisha said. My older brother has CP and I had a hard time with it growing up. I was always smiling and saying I understood and allowing my brother, who really did need a lot more attention than I did, to have all the shine he needed. But deep down I wished that sometimes I was treated like my wants were needs. I didn't feel less loved, I just felt felt like what I wanted was less important in the world. It actually led me to some relationships with men in my adult life where I let them have everything they wanted because I was used to my needs coming second. I'm not suggesting this is how Sabrina feels, just some insight into what it was like to be the little sister to a brother who almost always got his way so that we wouldn't have to deal with his meltdown. I was very compliant, but I didn't always want to be.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that. I will be keeping that in mind when dealing with sibling squabbles.
DeleteIt is really helpful to me to hear from siblings of people with disabilities, along with PWD. Thank you.
DeleteI think you are doing both Max and Sabrina a disservice. Max is fully capable of learning that he can't always go first. That will serve him well later on when he is perhaps working somewhere. Sabrina deserves to go first sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou are telling Max that if he makes a fuss he can get his way. Who can blame him for doing so. If that changes, it's likely he will change to. He's become so aware and motivated, but this has got to be holding him back.
The longer it goes on the hader it will be for him which is really unfair.
You are absolutely right
DeleteTypical children learn about turns in preschool
My 12 year old special needs daughter attends a special school--we sometimes attend events with the other students and their families--I feel for some of the siblings when they are just shunted out of the way so the special child can be first, have the big piece of cake, sit on Mom's lap, have the purple balloon etc
My husband and I have made a concerted effort not to treat Addie that way
We feel if we want Addie treated like everyone else she needs to be treated like everyone else
Even though Sabrina is GREAT to Max I thinbk deep down she'll eventually get feed up, it happened to my brothers and I.
ReplyDeleteTo me, it is yes and no. In the short run, I think no - it sounds like a very normal phase that all kids go through and generally I think most parents humor those phases. My son with CP used to insist on opening/closing doors. Now both kids are in a racing/winning phase. Butt the key is short term phase. They do need learn that sometimes other people go first. Seems to me that you are instituting some balance by not letting him do this with other kids. As long as you aren't always instituting a "do-over" when Sabrina beats him and keep an eye on how long it lasts, it probably isn't the worst thing you can do for him. For Sabrina's sake though I would stop asking as often...
ReplyDeleteMax likes to be first and you're indulging him a lot (but not ALL) the time on the being first thing -- he's sort of toddler-like, Sabrina doesn't seem to mind (for now) so there's probably no harm, no foul on this.
ReplyDeleteAs long as Max doesn't always win, so he gets to cope with not winning sometimes, he's likely fine.
Consider signing him up for some sort of sport/competitive activity, so he can practice both winning and losing gracefully-- namely, NOT the sort of thing where every kid gets a trophy for showing up. (I loathe that, kids know when they didn't really win and you can always sign your kid up for rec league sports if they aren't uber-competitive).
Yes, looking into a sport, as I noted. Your description of him as "toddler-like" is off the mark. He's way more cognitively and emotionally advanced than that.
DeleteIf Max is way more cognitively and emotionally advanced than a toddler, he's advanced enough for you to be teaching him about taking turns and compromising. Right? I agree that Max is way beyond being seen as a toddler. As you've said, he is becoming a lot more self aware. Not always being first (and understanding why he can't always be first) is part of that awareness he's building on.
DeleteThanks for your comments and insights. I most definitely do not know it all as a parent (who does?!) and what you've said has given me good food for thought. I agree, it would be good to introduce compromise, and let Sabrina go first sometimes.
ReplyDeleteFor a boring reality show reference see Big Brother 16.
ReplyDeleteI have typically developing 8 and 6 year olds. My 6 year old loves to go first. My 8 year old really doesn't care anymore except to occasionally drive her sister crazy. I think "first" is a fairly typical kindergarten-first grade desire. I don't mean any offense to Max at that-children will develop at their own rate. My guess is that you hardly noticed when Sabrina went through the phase because she didn't really have anyone to beat at the time. I'd talk to his teachers. is it causing a problem at school? If not, I'd wait it out, but I also probably wouldn't make Sabrina participate in "do-overs.". I think that is asking a lot of her. Slipping her a small hug or treat when she constantly let's Max go first would praise her mature behavior without going into negatives.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, isn't it, to find that middle ground...you want to give your "special" child what he needs, but you don't want to trample all over your other little ones either. I've been in both places - a mom of "special" and (insert appropriate pc word here) non-special needs kids, as well as being a big sister to a special needs brother. I get that you're trying, so I'm sooo sorry to say this, but...what about Sabrina?
ReplyDeleteI'd say letting him win as much as you would if he was 5 and she was 10, along the lines of "please let your brother win sometimes" is fair, but more often than that? I'm not too sure about that. Max deserves to feel like a winner, and if he's reached the level where he wants and appreciates that win, then 100% you should nurture that. BUT, please realize that just because she's being the "good" sister doesn't mean that she doesn't want to have her own victories, too. Those times that she goes in first - was it from habit, or did she look like she was imagining running a race, and she just zoomed across the finish line? Did the win mean nothing to her, or did it bring her joy?
If you think she"ll be honest with you, as opposed to telling you what she thinks she should say (or what she thinks you want to hear), I'd say try feeling her out on this one and seeing what she says. If she needs wins of her own and you need peace, maybe signing HER up for activities she can shine in might help to give her her own spotlight.
Sorry, this is all from the big sister in me. My folks had to pay more attention to my brother (he had CP), and I really did get that, but I also fully believed that I was dead last on my parents list, and that my job was not to burden them with anything that was wrong in my life. School stuff, like a test the next day, was fine, but anything real? No way. I'm not saying my perception was accurate, I'm just saying that's very much how it felt to me.
Sorry - Alyssa
Sorry but you can spoil an autistic child as much as any other. Only with autism its harder to correct them. He has to live in general society after the bubble of special school. Don't make his life even harder
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your post about how Max wanted a "do over" in thedoctor's office, because he was called Max instead of Fireman Max, I thought it was fine. It was giving extra accommodation to help him live his dream, and given his special needs, I think that was appropriate. But to let him Go first---I really think you're sending him the wrong message. Also, other people who don't know him well will probably react badly if he insists on going first. That said, I cn totally understand how sometimes it is just easier to let him have his way than ruin the whole night by refusing him and triggering a meltdown. So, changing his behavior isn't something you that could be done cold turkey. And would he believe that Firemen take turns going first???
ReplyDeleteI am in three honors classes, marching band, and a symphonic band. I do my demanding homework and practice my music. I have resource as a class, but that's an equalizer. My band directors have high expectations for me and give me no special treatment.
ReplyDeleteThis is so nice to read -- not because you have answers but because this is the grey areas of parenting that I struggle with so much. My daughter is on the AS and she is a twin. I have been 100 percent fair as much as possible but the special needs child seems to always get her way in some way or another. I totally get wanting life to be more peaceful and so just giving in ... but I also get that we can't do that all the time. I will say that before my daughter was diagnosed this summer, we had designated days for each child. Every other day is their day on the calendar. So, who's day it is is who gets to go first or make the choice. We don't use it all the time now but it's used on special days like who gets to choose the movie to watch, etc. Might work for you.
ReplyDelete