"Sabrina is an attractive girl who cooperated nicely during our session," the report read. She'd had an assessment done at school, and that was the first line of the summary.
I'd seen this sort of thing in doctor reports and school evaluations Max has gotten over the years, phrases like "Max is a handsome, healthy appearing boy" and "Max is a good-looking child."
Ordinarily, I will happily take compliments about my children's cuteness. It's good to get affirmation that, as I have long suspected, THEY ARE THE YUMMIEST HUMAN BEINGS EVER. I will gladly gush about any bit of them—hair, skin, freckles—if you mention it (or even if you don't). I do not think experts mention their looks in reports because they're any more beautiful than other kids; I suspect that docs and others often do this to make parents feel good, especially if they are delivering less than great news.
Still, when I see mentions of the kids' appearance in academic or medical reports, it bugs me. What do their looks have to do with their performance? With their well being? With anything?
I'm particularly sensitive about this because I know that the opposite—prejudice against people who fall short of societal notions of good looks—can hurt Max, and it has. What about those times when he, or other children with special needs, fail to fit the norms of appearance? People occasionally gape if he drools, as did that woman on the street last month. Sometimes, when he contorts his face into an exaggerated grimace—a muscle spasm from the cerebral palsy—he'll also get stares. The beauty bias can be yet one more societal hurdle that children and adults with visible disabilities have to overcome.
In a world in which looks matter, appearance should be irrelevant when it comes to my children's health and education, and I'd like to keep it that way. I want the experts in their lives to be all about their development, brains and inner beauty. The most meaningful compliments they can give to me are ones like "Max is a bright child whose articulation is improving" and "Sabrina has an exceptional vocabulary." Although if they want to tell me how amazingly young I look to be their mother, that, I wouldn't mind.
I agree with you. In my case, experts have often commented on my appearance as a way to make statements about my disability. Like "Astrid keeps moving her relatively long legs". I think random comments abou appearance are there to make small talk sort of.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I know I've written reports that refer to a child as "beautiful" or "handsome" if their appearance is somehow striking, and perhaps to soften the blow of delivering otherwise less than stellar news. I agree that a child's appearance has nothing to do with their communication ability. I've also mentioned positive temperament characteristics, like "friendly", "happy", "delightful".... I think these do impact on communication skill development, in that they speak to motivation to communicate, or the ability to draw other people to them by non-verbal means. But I wonder if temperament should be mentioned in reports either?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that, Jennifer; I suspected it might have to do with softening a blow. Good q on temperament, although that can play into behavior. Looks: not so much!
DeleteI agree about the temperament vs. looks, but I still get annoyed when a certain specialist we see starts every single report with, "J is a delightful girl ...," esp. when she didn't happen to be quite so delightful or cooperative that particular day. Rings hollow! At least he tried to sound positive, and I do appreciate that.
DeleteI agree about the temperament vs. looks, but I still get annoyed when a certain specialist we see starts every single report with, "J is a delightful girl ...," esp. when she didn't happen to be quite so delightful or cooperative that particular day. Rings hollow! At least he tried to sound positive, and I do appreciate that.
DeleteI agree. Hubby always gets annoyed because the first words spoken at an IEP are usually "Alan is so cute. We all just love him." I would rather hear that he is sweet, funny, smart, or even affectionate than cute.
ReplyDeleteCute often refers to behavior or attitude, not just looks, so I can deal with "cute" just fine.
DeleteI have a real problem with this (subjective comments about a child's looks in a medical report). The flip side of this is what happens when your child has differences in their features related to a syndrome -- then professionals go to town picking apart their features. Again, totally inappropriate.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind if a dentist makes a comment about my fused tooth. They have probably seen it in only one (or zero) other patient in their 20+ years of practice and want to know more. If a doctor wrote subjective comments about my appearance, I would be disconcerted if they were positive and infuriated if they were negative.
DeleteI was shocked the first time someone (in this case, a teacher) said - You are so lucky that Nathan is so cute - I heard this countless times from SEITS and ed evaluators and counselors and teachers and OTs and speech therapists - Sometimes it was, Nathan's cuteness will really help (or go a long way) - WHAAAT!?!? - I remember thinking and I still wonder
ReplyDeleteActually, cuteness really can help a kid out. It was common knowledge by me that if you were trying to get something from the Board of Ed that they didn't want to give you, and your kid is cute, you take him or her down to meet the head honcho. If he connects with your child and find him or her charming, you might just get what you want. Plus, often therapists will be extra motivated to work with a child who is pleasant to work with. (Cute can mean many things.) Finally, other random people will be more likely to give someone a pass on non-normative behavior if they are cute/pleasant/charming. Correct? No. Reality? Yes.
DeleteIn my case my Aspie son appears "normal" but he likes to dress in costumes. Cute at 3 but getting stares at ten. He's happy, polite, courteous and friendly. Why does it bother people that he's wearing a big black cape at the mall? With top hat, of course.
ReplyDeleteI would totally high five your kiddo or tell him "your cape and hat are AWESOME" if I ran into you guys. No weird stares from me! Has he ever gone to a convention where costumes are encouraged? Those might be a good fit for him one day!
DeleteI love it! My aspie decided to have his nails painted in school colors for the last week of school. He wants Gryffindor colors next. No negative feedback on his funky style choices so far.
DeleteWell after seeing this picture I'd say "Max could be considered handsome if.....you could see his gorgeous eyes!" Lol. Poor Max is half hidden in this pic!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous....
Delete"Well after seeing this picture I'd say 'Max could be considered handsome if.....you could see his gorgeous eyes!' Lol. Poor Max is half hidden in this pic!" Crack. Me. Up!! ;-D
Love you later, Raelyn
Wow. That's horrible. But now I'm upset because that hasn't happened to us and my kids are BREATHTAKING.
ReplyDeleteHA!!! (For those of you not familiar with Wendi's blog, she is always this amusing: wendiaarons.com)
DeleteThank you for this reminder, Ellen. I know I am guilty of saying this type of thing. I will try to be more mindful of the comments I make to all children and parents. You are right. Their character is so much more important than how cute they are.
ReplyDeleteYep, on the evals for my son's initial IEP they wrote "he is an adorable boy who..." like his adorableness somehow constitutes the services he receives.
ReplyDeleteNot exactly the same thing but I was really frustrated during my daughter's first visit to the pediatrician and the nurse called other staff out to see this "tiny baby" isn't she so cute. My daughter was premature, she weighted less than 4 lbs at the time. This really rubbed me the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteAh, that's really insensitive.
DeleteFor Mama for Life: I don't know that it "bothers" most people if your son wears a cape and top hat. Doesn't bother me in the least. But that doesn't mean I won't take a second look because it's unusual and the unusual will always draw a second glance. We all do it, and it's not meant (usually) out of malice. If I saw the top hat I might think,"I wonder if he's doing a magic show?" and that in itself would warrant a second look. On the flip side, I loathe when people DON'T look at people who are considered outside the "norm." Make eye contact with everyone you meet, regardless of top hats, wheel chairs, or drool.
ReplyDeleteRegarding Max's evaluation comments, I can see where that might be an inappropriate place to mention looks. Perhaps you should simply state it in a letter that you wish to focus on their evaluation and not appearances? That would probably make the point pretty clear.
Ellen....
ReplyDeleteI liked this post!! Very much!! Especially because I am at a point right now where I'm most likely going to lose my beautiful straight brunette hair and transform into Frankenstein!! {I have an ailment called foliculitius decalvans and was born with craniosynostosis.} But I've finally reached the beautiful place of "I don't give a damn"!! To be concerned about appearances so much that you're mentioning them in medical and/or scholastic reports is--I think--vain!! ;)
Love you later, Raelyn
This is such a good reminder. I must admit, Grace is still at the super cute baby stage when no one notices her CP, and I'm not one to mention it. I wonder how that kind of emphasis especially affects kids with special needs? I think ALL kids/ people should be told on a regular basis on beautiful and handsome they are to reaffirm their inherent goodness... but on an evaluation?
ReplyDeleteI agree I know what the report is typically going to say and being sweet or cute doesn't pertain in any way. If they were discussing temperament then it should be stated as her temperament is..Doctors don't put this information in adult patient records (or at least the ones I've seen) because it would probably result in discrimination lawsuits and it is not relevant as it is for children.
ReplyDeleteOne of my most unique physical characteristics is a fused tooth. The dental hygienist did not know that and tried to floss it. I had to tell her it was fused.
ReplyDeleteI see this all the time in fellow psychologists' reports and it bothers me a lot. Not only is it irrelevant and subjective to the point of meaninglessness, but it's downright creepy when said about a child. I think older psychs were just trained to put things like that in their reports. I haven't seen it from younger ones.
ReplyDeleteEven creepier are the MD reports I get in cases about FGM, where the (male) MD's comment on how "lovely" little girls are, and then go on to recount whether or not their genitalia are altered.
ReplyDeleteWe still have a far way to go as a society but things are improving.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, so glad I found this blog. I have been sitting on the idea of starting my own, but most of my thoughts and feeling are here. ALL of my son's evals have the "how handsome he is" line. LOL. Maybe it's the format? I am starting to think that :)
ReplyDeleteAnon it is not creepy dont be paranoid. Raelyn we dont say love you later its weird. I'll take cute and pretty anyday over MR. I'm often told Noah is cute and I've always thought that was and still is a nice thing to say. Do we have to be so negative and say society has still a long way to go? We should look back and appreciate just how far society has come in the last 50 years instead. FYI Ellen, a child only has one, not multiple brains.
ReplyDelete