"Isss eye irthay ooh!" said Max. Translation: "It's my birthday too!" He started saying that from the second he woke up yesterday, Sabrina's birthday.
I gave Sabrina her present:
Two tickets to see Katy Perry
Sabrina was so ecstatic, she literally did a happy dance. "Isss eye irthay ooh!" said Max. I didn't engage—I needed to get dressed for work and I didn't have time for him to get upset, even though it wasn't fair to Sabrina for him to claim it was his birthday. Bad Working Mommy.
When I got home, Sabrina told me that our sitter put a candle in some ice-cream and she and Max sang Happy Birthday. Then the sitter did the same for Max. "It's my birthday," Sabrina said, pouting. I didn't blame her. "Yes, it's only your birthday," I reassured her, and went off to find Max.
"OK, Max, you know it's not really your birthday today," I told him.
Tears filled his eyes. "No! Irthay!" he said.
"Come on, Max, when is your real birthday?" I asked.
"Oooh-ay!" he answered. ["Today!"]
"Max, what month is your birthday in? Is it July? When?"
He looked at me and said December. Oh, he knew it. In fact, he's already planning next year's birthday (involving a clown and Lightning McQueen and the purchase of one Cars TV set and yes, that exists, unfortunately) and he knows full well it's not coming around anytime soon.
"So Max, today is your pretend birthday, but it's Sabrina's real birthday."
He seemed dubious, but placated.
And then, a few minutes later: "Isss eye irthay ooh!"
Sabrina said, "Yeah, it's your 'birthday!'" and did finger quotes, and I had to stifle my laughter.
"Max, it's your pretend birthday," I repeated. He shot me a look and wandered off.
Minutes later, I heard Dave downstairs singing "Happy birthday to you!" Only Sabrina was upstairs with me; he was singing it to Max. Sigh.
The two of them came back up. "I don't think you should be encouraging him like that," I said, hypocritically, given that my silence that morning essentially counted as surrender.
"I'm really tired and just needed to make sure he went to sleep easily," Dave answered. Bad Working Daddy.
To remedy the situation, kinda sorta, I sang to Max:
Happy pretend birthday to you,
Happy pretend birthday to you,
Happy pretend birthday to you,
Happy pretend birthday to you!
With this kicker, sung to the tune of "and many more"
Yours is in December....
"ROAR!" responded Max, and not the kind heard in the Katy Perry song.
Later, after Max was tucked in, Sabrina wandered in to kiss him good night, as she's been doing lately. (Swoon.) "Isss eye irthay ooh!" said Max. She didn't correct him.
So basically, we're all enabling Max and his magical/delusional/egocentric thinking.
Although maybe it's not so bad to live life thinking you have multiple birthdays. Certainly, there are far worse offenses, although the ideal is to not take over your sibling's b-day. Dave's birthday is coming up in March; we'll see how that goes.
If only every day was birthday day... :)
ReplyDeletePerhaps Sabrina would feel better about all this if taken into your confidence on stuff like this. She's old ennough now to get it. Rather than just ignoring max I'd pull Sabrina into a private pow wow and say stuff like " I liked your air quotes. It's certainly not fair to you when max steaks your birthday but that was an excellent way of handling it."
ReplyDeleteWe ended up talking, this morning, about how Max basically knows it's not really his birthday. Great idea, I should have given her props for the air quotes. Parenting hindsight is always 20/20.
DeleteI feel for you! When one of my kids has a birthday, we have to constantly intercede my Bear when it's time to open gifts. After almost a decade of refusing to open wrapped presents, he now wants to open everyone he sees!
ReplyDeleteI have to say Ellen I feel bad for Sabrina, after all Max IS her older brother. He needs to understand Sabrina never has done that on HIS birthday. Can you imagine Maxs reaction if Sabrina did that ON MAX'S BIRTHDAY?
ReplyDeleteYes, all hell would break loose if it were the opposite. Sabrina handled it really well. Especially when it became clear that Max said today was his birthday, too—so he wasn't just trying to steal hers, he's just on a birthday roll.
DeleteIf that's your worst parenting moment of the day, I'd say you're in great shape! It's not like you bought Max a bunch of presents, too. Sometimes it's just easier on everyone to keep the peace.
ReplyDeleteThe whole birthday thing was always confusing to my son with Down Syndrome when he was younger probaley because he had older twin brothers. I dont get the fuss people are making.
ReplyDeleteEllen....
ReplyDeleteWhile watching "Amethyst", my nearly two-year old niece last Thursday, we played an old, old, old, old Walt Disney cassette tape which had various songs. One of them went like this. It is from "Alice In Wonderland"!! ;)
A very merry
Unbirthday to you,
To you, A very merry
Unbirthday to you,
To you,
It's great to
Drink to someone ,
And I guess that
You will do,
A very merry
Unbirthday to you!
statistics prove that you've
one birthday
one birthday every year
but there are 364 un birthdays
that is why we are all gathered here
a very merry unbirthday to all
to all
a very merry unbirthday to all
to all
thats how we sing the day away
a verry merry unbirthday
to all
--Raelyn
Ha! That's exactly it, as someone else noted on Facebook—it's Max's unbirthday.
DeleteIt sounds like Sabrina handled it like a champ! Sometimes we don't have the energy to fight all the battles that need to be fought.
ReplyDeleteYou said it, sistah!
DeleteI have to admit that I think this kind of thing is where my intellectual understanding of cognitive disabilities would break down. If I knew he "knew" on some level, but was persisting anyway, I'd have a really hard time not becoming judgmental. The again, was he really persisting, or was he carrying a sort of joke too long ... like a bad SNL sketch? Another random strange thought ... If there was another "Max' in the room, same age, same kind of disability, wouldn't he be just as obstinate and, well, tactless in insisting to Max that it's NOT his birthday?
ReplyDeleteOh, and I second the endorsement of Sabrina's air quotes. There's something to be said for sarcasm.
There's a LOT to be said for sarcasm! And Andrew, I think you nailed it with the SNL reference. He just thinks it's a laugh riot to keep insisting it's his birthday. Tonight, when I came home from work, he was sitting in the kitchen with a birthday hat on. He'd asked our babysitter to put candles in some banana bread, so he could blow them out.
DeleteSabrina happy birthday and you are so lucky to be seeing Katy Perry!!!!! Awesome!
ReplyDeleteIt's so tricky sometimes I just try and take the lead from my kids- if they re cool I leave it but if it annoys them I follow it up xx I find kids way more accommodating than adults ;) happiest of days Sabrina xxxxx
Katy Perry is one of my favorite artists. She's quirky and talented.
ReplyDeleteLove her, too! Which is why I get to take Sabrina to the concert, not Dave!
DeleteWe have the same thing around here and constant talk about his party. What makes it worse is that grandparents don't want the "not your birthday kids" to be left out and bring gifts for them too. That really makes it confusing.
ReplyDeleteOur psychologist told us that siblings' birthdays are a very common problem for special needs children. We had trouble for years, but it took a long time for us to recognize the pattern that birthdays were a trigger (among others). These kids are so accustomed to the world revolving around them (by necessity), it takes them longer to adjust to NOT being the center of attention once in a while. For us, knowing this was a common scenario was helpful. My one child took it in stride, but the other really hated it. We do the best we can. Tell Sabrina I am jealous! What a great gift.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I qualify as a "bad working mom" every day of the week. And I'm pretty sure I neglect PT/OT/ and every other "T" there is when I get home because I'm tired and (let's be honest) a little lazy.You're doing a fabulous job and Sabrina is a hoot with those air quotes. Her sarcasm will come in handy, I'm sure. Perhaps Max can spend some time learning Disney's "Merry UN-Birthday" song. :)
ReplyDeleteWe need a club!!!
DeleteSounds like everyone handled it just fine. It's my birthday tomorrow and Sarah is pretty sure it's hers. I guess I can share mine with her. ;)
ReplyDeleteHope both of you had a good day! :)
Delete