I let the kids watch TV for hours on Sunday mornings so I can have time to myself. This actually does not give me guilt, as I mentioned in Mom Fails Women Refuse To Feel Guilty About. I deserve me time. I need me time. Desperately.
As parents of kids with special needs, we juggle a whole lot. That means there's a lot of stuff that we could be doing at any given moment, and a lot of stuff that we could feel guilty about for not doing...if we let ourselves go there.
Sure, guilt strikes at times. Like when I don't get around to programming Max's iPad with new words, say, or I leave the house without a bib for him and his shirt gets sopping wet. At times, I get a stab of I'm-not-doing-enough-for-him guilt. And I definitely felt bad about sending him to picture day in a crappy t-shirt, though that had a happy ending.
Rationally, I know that I can't meet Max's needs 24/7 or do every single thing the therapists recommend. That it is not possible to always be on top of Max's physical demands, even if it means he's outgrowing his foot braces and I have yet to get a new prescription (true story). I can't have eternal patience for his quirks, because listening to YouTube videos of Disney Cruise ships blowing their horns is slowly but surely driving me insane. (Note to self: Could it be a government conspiracy?)
This is because I am far from perfect. But as we well know, perfection is overrated. I generally think I'm doing a good job, or at least an OK job. And sometimes, OK is enough.
How about you: What do you refuse to feel guilty about as a mom?
I refuse to feel guilty about having another kid. No, really. I'm pregnant with my third which means that... gasp! horror! my children will have to share bedrooms. And toys. And life. I have gotten so much flack for it. And I refuse to believe they will be worse off for any of it.
ReplyDeleteWhy is the general population SO against others having 3 children? I swear people looked at me like I just grew horns when I told them I was pregnant with my 3rd!
DeleteLet me just make you feel better about that. I'm having my 7th. Yes, it was an accident (turns out when your sick, exhausted and stresses it effects birth control - who knew!!). Yes we are still thrilled (especially the kids, they're asking for twins....we said no by the way) Yes I am a little overwhelmed when I am trying to coordinate 3 specialities for 3 procedures under 1 anaesthetic for my medically fragile 16 month old at an interstate hospital BEFORE my due date because I don't think they'd appreciate me delivering at a children's hospital. But seriously, my kids are arguing over the baby being a boy or a girl because they WANT to have four kids in their room. They want more after this one (DH says it is not a democracy, they don't get a vote, the suburban is full). And as for the toy thing - 7 kids, 7 birthdays AND Christmas, 2 sets of grandparents, 1 set of parents, and they're saving allowance and buying for each other = 49 new toys a year AT LEAST! Seriously, if you want some, I'll send them to you.
DeleteI refuse to feel guilty about anything in the PAST. Well, sort-of. I tell myself that, but then it creeps in. Then I kick it out. Then I feel guilty for allowing myself to feel guilty when I said I would not feel guilty about the past. Clear as mud, right?!
ReplyDeleteNo, the past is just that, nothing I can change. And believe it or not, my two typical kiddos seem to not remember some of the things I wish I could forget about their mom's decisions on parenting them!! BLESSING!!!!
I, too, had to let go of electronics-guilt. I was one of those super-moms who would NEVER allow electronic hand-held video games at ALL, or even the ones for in the car!!! No trippin' out happenin' with my kiddos, ever!! One special needs child later and all three kiddos have a Wii to share in the house, lots of albeit healthy and safe, but LOTS of movies, and each one has either an iPad, Kindle or iTouch, but it is different than I ever planned, and these gadgets sometimes are the only things giving me a moment's peace!!!
I am going to enjoy this post's responses!!!
I REFUSE to feel guilty that Stephen spends way too much time on his iPad. Having access to it all the time means he can also access Proloquo to talk to me, so if he wants to spend time watching Elmo in other languages on YouTube, that's fine with me. I also don't feel guilty about letting him have snacks whenever he asks. Because he's ASKING me, and needs rewards for communicating.
ReplyDeleteWe love Elmo in other languages in our house too! So funny!!!
DeleteCan I just say Ellen you're a fantastic mom to Max and Sabrina and you shine a light on so many SN issues for other moms out there and for that I'm so grateful. I feel guilty that the only quality time I get with Caleb, without his twin, is at therapy and doctors appointments.
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this today. On Saturday mornings, we let the kids watch tv all morning, just so my husband and I can get a slow start to the day, drink coffee together etc... It's needed, so needed, that time together, but I fight that feeling of guilt every weekend. But you're right, there's no way I could be on top of my son's needs 24/7 or do everything his therapists suggest. I generally do ok and I'm good with that...but I needed the reminder, so thank you!
ReplyDeletenow that is a mom after my own heart and hey my sons teacher taught my son to wear wrist bands and actully taught him to wipe his drool. it actually works and no more wet shirt (for the most part). keep it up mom !!
ReplyDeleteI refuse to feel guilty about a little junk food. No kid is going to become obese or get diabetes or die from an occasional Ho-Ho. Thanks for writing this post! I'm going to share with my readers.
ReplyDeleteWhen my kid is opening the kitchen cupboards and banging around in the saucepans having a whale of a time (this is one of his favorite activities at the moment), and im in the other room watching the Following i DVR'd the previous day. Yep, no guilt!
ReplyDeleteEllen, Can I use your Disney Crusies and kids with special needs: a review post in a paper for school I am writing about Special Needs Accomadations and Travel? I will cite you.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Kathryn
Oh, Ellen, thanks, I needed this today. I'm feeling both SN parenting guilt AND daughter of just passed elderly mother guilt - the last sushi lunch I DIDN'T take her out for, the weeks I only went to see her twice instead of three times... or stayed for only a short time and didn't take her out for a drive. SIGH.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to feel guilty about electronics as well. If I know that he is getting enough sensory time (both indoors and out) - then some iPad/LeapPad/TV time is just fine with me. ;)
ReplyDeleteEllen, I grew up watching cartoons every Saturday morning. In my pajamas. With a sugary box of cereal at my side to keep me company. It's funny, but I can't remember where my parents were! I'm sure they were around, somewhere. I turned out just fine! Be sure that Max has a box of cereal with him. It's great OT -- he has to reach in and pull out a fistful!
ReplyDeletePaula
I try not to feel guilty about doing things on my own on the weekend - leaving my husband with the kids. I have a Little Sister through the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program, and usually one day of the weekend is spent with her, which I love. I need time to just be me, not Mom, and my husband needs that one-on-one time with the kids that I get all week. He's gotten so much better at keeping them on their schedules and doing stuff like making lunch and cleaning up, because I am not physically there to do it for him. I think it's made us both better parents. It's made me happier to be able to get out of the house and do something worthwhile - something that's just mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm not convinced that you are failing in your role if you are not entertaining them in all their waking hours! I, too, remember vegging out on Saturday mornings. Kids need a break, too. That's their Sunday routine. They're safe and happy in it, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteSaturday morning TV = Saturday morning brunch because we didn't get up early enough to feed them breakfast = Saturday morning cuddles with my honey so my kids can have parents who like and love each other.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I am pregnant with my seventh kid.....nah, I'm sure that has nothing to do with it....
Sigh....yes I certainly feel mother guilt...but I am trying to feel less guilty and just tell myself my best effort is good enough.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Great post, Ellen. Personally, I do/did feel guilty (my kids are now 24 and 21) when I could not meet their needs, or just didn't feel like it (in our house, it wasn't cruise ship whistles, it was videos of monster trucks). There are things that still haunt me, like holding Nick down for his procedures and I blogged about that last week. But, I am not a person who holds on to guilt in any of my relationships. "Fail fast and fail forward" is what a friend told me once - just learn and get over it. The Moms commenting here certainly sound like they do that. I think if you are a SN Mom and especially if you have other kids too, you need to be an efficient fighting machine. There's no room for guilt in those operations - guilt will weigh you down and we don't have time for that. For us, the next emergency is just around the corner.
ReplyDeleteI fight feeling guilty about feeling like I don't do enough for my daughter in terms of her therapies. I feel like if I did everything they suggest I do then I would never get anything else done in our home or have any time for myself or with my husband. I have to try to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of her.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I tell myself not to feel guilty about not doing this or that, such as taking a break from one therapy practice or another. I sometimes feel like our hamster...just running on that wheel and going no where.
ReplyDeleteTraveling! I feel I need to replenish my loving/giving/nurturing internal well in order to be a better mother, and I do it with traveling. It is my passion. I prefer traveling with my husband (we both need a break), but when he bags out, I travel with girlfriends. This works for me and I refuse to feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to feel guilty about wanting to have another baby, even though my first has significant special needs and is medically fragile. I know it will be hard. I don't know where we will get the energy, but I know in my core that we can and should expand our family. I just need to convince my husband
ReplyDeleteI refuse to feel guilty about taking attention away from my siblings it's really not my fault that I have CP.
ReplyDeleteWe use paper plates almost exclusively, we watch too much tv, we let the kids stay up way too late on weekends, and when I give my poor mom a break from cooking, I'm bringing home pizzas as often as not!
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is your best! We're all human and if we don't take care of ourselves we can't take care of anyone else!!
I have recently taken a step back and realized I need to let go of the guilt. I do everything I can and more not only to care for my special girl but the other seven people in my family. Guilt is just holding me back from giving myself time and taking better care of myself.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to feel guilty about letting my baby daughter watch Cbeebies when I need a break from caring for her. I need downtime and so does Anna as well. I also dont feel guilty about not doing stretches with her.
ReplyDelete