"So, did you hear about anything unusual from other kids at recess or during lunch?" I ask Sabrina when I pick her up at the bus stop. She gives me a puzzled look. "No, what do you mean?" she says. "Oh, nothing," I say, back-pedaling. Although Sabrina's school wasn't having a formal discussion with the students about the Newtown, Connecticut shootings, I'm probing to see if any talk cropped up among her friends.
Dave and I made a decision not to discuss what happened with Sabrina. While she understands what guns can do, she is just 7 and a tragedy like this is beyond her comprehension. No matter how simply we explained it or how much we reassured her, I know she'd still harbor concerns about safety in her school. We didn't turn on the news over the weekend when the kids were up or talk about the tragedy in front of them. En route to dinner Sunday night I roamed around my iPhone as the kids watched a DVD; I saw a photo on Pinterest of a little girl who died and had to choke back sobs.
Max has a naivete all his own—he doesn't yet get the ideas of guns and killing. It's given me pause, as it did with the Colorado movie theatre massacre this summer. I want him to have this level of understanding; it would mean cognitive progress. And yet, I don't want him to have this level of understanding. I want to protect his innocence while I can, like I'm doing with his little sister. (The New York Times' Motherlode blog had a helpful post on the topic).
I've felt twinges of guilt; don't the kids and adults who died deserve to be talked about? Shouldn't their memories be honored? Isn't that what their parents ache for, for their children's flames to keep flickering? As I watched one dad discuss his beautiful little girl, it was clear how much he wanted the world to know how wonderful she was.
Right now, though, this isn't something we'll be talking about with the kids... not yet. Someday. It's felt strange behaving normally around them, because I don't feel that way. My mind keeps flashing to the numerous photos I've now seen of the children and the adults who died on that Friday morning. I've been overcome with fierce urges to touch and cuddle and devour the kids with my love. I am typically over-the-top affectionate, but I've never needed to feel them so much, to know that they are here.
At bedtime last night I lay in bed next to Max, nuzzled his cheeks and thought of what those parents must be going through, though I couldn't imagine.
"Ohmmmy," Max said, bringing my mind back to the present. "Eeese!"
He was asking for a piece of American cheese, same as he does every night. It was all he wanted, and all he needed, and I got up and trudged down the stairs to get him a slice.
Image: Flickr/Kaswar_K
Would you believe our superintendant addressed the school yesterday morning and told them about the school shooting and listed how many kids and teachers died? And then sent the transcript to all the parents AFTER the fact? I am so pissed. And so glad that I DID mention it to my kids, although I tried to be very matter of fact and downplay it. I knew they'd hear from kids (my daughter - 10) already had when I talked to them at dinner Fri nite.) Anyway, I was shocked and ticked off that he did that. I don't think they need that. I totally agree with your approach.
ReplyDeleteJo-Lynne, I think that's egregiously wrong—both to do so in general at a grade school, but also to do so without giving parents notice. I think parents should be the ones, if any, to first have the discussion with their children about this.
DeleteEh, they did that at my school during 9/11 and nobody was really worse off for hearing it from the principal rather than a parent. And I don't recall the parents making a fuss about it either. As the sins of educators go, I think that one is fairly minimal.
DeleteIt is such a tough and personal decision. I spoke to my kids about it (separately- they are 6 and 9 so I tailored each discussion). I knew they would probably both hear about it from other kids (and they did) and I was glad I had spoken to them first to address it and allay some anxiety in advance. My older one goes to a religious school so she is already very familiar with lockdown drills etc. And she knows why they have them. My younger one...well, it was tougher, but I'm still glad I had the discussion. We also talked about why it's so important to follow the drills and the rules and the teacher's instructions. And, perhaps most importantly, we spoke about the "good" in this story--the people who helped, and how we can personally help (sending cards, gifts to comfort the surviving children etc.). Would I rather NOT speak to them about these things? Of course. I never heard of these things from my parents when I was their age. But it was a different world back then.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this is a personal decision, and a hard one. Every family should do what they think is right and appropriate for their kids.
DeleteI'm with you, Ellen. Allie is 9 and I believe it is beyond her understanding. If I, an adult, cannot comprehend the tragedy how could she possibly?
ReplyDeleteLast night after school she told me that her teacher had told the class that some one in CT had tried to kill some children but they were safe. I probed how the conversation began, and apparently all of the teachers and a couple of police officers were outside the school as the children got off the bus.
The kids thought it was "weird" that all the teachers were outside in the pouring rain. When asked, the teacher spoke of the CT tragedy. She wanted to let the children know they were all safe. Allie told her class not to worry. Of course the teachers and fire fighters would save them.
Oh, I love what Allie said; it's so good she feels that security. It seems like for kids ages 9 or 10 years old, some schools and teachers feel this should be brought up. I rode the train in with a friend who has a 10-year-old daughter, and the teacher in the class had brought it up. When she asked the kids who had heard about what happened, nearly all the kids raised their hands.
DeleteAll you have to do is tell your children that pple in CT are very sad right now, because they lost some very dear loved ones and we are praying for them - there is no need to talk about school/children murdered unless your child would be exposed to this outside - really its about common sense - I can empathize with the teacher 'on the spot' at your child's school but we are a culture of extremes all or nothing - to have told the children someone went in school and killed children 'but your safe' might of been well meaning but is poor judgement - we don't have to tell our childre EVERY DETAIL but you can give them a simple basic idea...
DeleteWe had a vigorous conversation about it at dinner the other night. Grampa has guns (and he keeps them in a gun safe with trigger locks on them) for hunting so they're familiar with guns and have heard the lectures every time the things come out of the safe. The kids don't think much of the shooter or his mother and they are upset about the deaths. They do see this as a specific situation--not a random thing--brought on by internal family dynamics of the shooter and his mother and not something that could happen to anyone at any time. That probably has plenty to do with their grandfather going on about firearms security in the wake of this tragedy.
ReplyDeleteUntil this, I had not been much of a proponent for gun control. And I certainly do not think it is the only answer, not by any means. But there is something to be said about making sure weapons like semi-automatic rifles are not so easily gotten by the public. The reason Lanza was able to kill so many so easily was because he had the means to do so. I can't stop thinking about that.
DeleteI don't know what the scoop was with his mother, or what issues the kid had (and I think there's more to the story than a simple Aspie-Austism diagnosis). I am hearing that Mom was a doomsday prepper, that all the guns were hers (how many damn guns does anyone need?) and that is why the kid had access to a damn Bushmaster with a large magazine and semi-automatic capability--that kind of weapon would turn your venison into hamburger while still on the hoof--it is not a hunting weapon, it is a "Let's Kill People" weapon. I just can't imagine that kind of home life where paranoia and impending doom rule the day. I think the background checks need to be better, semi-autos should at LEAST be limited and anyone who owns one ought to have their name on file with the FBI. Every weapon ought to be ballistically tested, too (even though there are ways around that if someone is motivated). The big reason that Lanza could kill people, though, is because his mama didn't lock up HER guns, that she bought and were in her name, and she was responsible for, and prevent her son from taking them and killing her and a couple dozen others. I just can't imagine what she was thinking. She was stinking rich, it's not like she couldn't afford a high end gun safe. t I think there's a lot here we don't know yet, but I would not be surprised if there was some major, unresolved and growing dysfunction at home.
DeleteThank you for posting this. I've been having the same inner struggle, except that my son is only 6, so even if he were cognitively "typical," I don't know that I would have brought it up. I still want him to believe that this world is rainbows and unicorns, and that when they have intruder drills (required at least quarterly for several years in our district), that it is just a fun game to hide in the bathroom with his friends. In a self-contained kindergarten class, there is little chance of him hearing something, so I'm not going to address it at this time.
ReplyDeleteSounds like we had similar ideas of how to handle this with our daughters (Jake knew before he got home from middle school on Friday). But of course she found out at school on Monday. And while it was handled in a MUCH more sensitive way than Jo-Lynne's kid experienced (yikes!) the other kids filled her in the gory details.
ReplyDeleteAfter asking some questions yesterday, though, she's back to normal today. And while I agree that it feels weird for things to just be "normal" for them when the world is actually upside down, I really think it's best. We can take care of honoring the dead and making changes, and just let our kids enjoy being kids.
I keep coming back to the fact that our middle and elementary have no security, no metal detectors, no nothing. The doors are unlocked anyone can just walk in. Yes, it's a small town but bad things happen in small towns too. I did discuss it carefully with my kids,16,14,14. The youngest of the twins is delayed and had the hardest time understanding it. I can't understand it either, so I can't expect a child who is really about ten mentally to get it either. Interestingly I got an email from our state representative yesterday asking for my opinion on civilian 'protectors' who would be armed volunteers protecting the school, and also the survey asked if I thought school personnel should be allowed access to weapons as well.
ReplyDeleteI have a K and a Pre-K, and we chose to have a media blackout (still do) and not discuss it. We are vigilant however. The elementary school prepared teachers for discussion, but didn't do anything formally. When I went in for my Monday volunteering gig, I asked if they had had to deal with it directly, and the principal said, "The best way we can deal with it is to smile and make sure life is as regular as it always is." I agree, and I'm thankful that my kids are this young right now. Unfortunately, I know that something will occur in the future to demand more action from us.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I am not the only one not talking about it with their kids. It just did not seem right to take away their innocence so soon. I have a hard time even comprehending it so I know they will too.
ReplyDeleteI feel lucky that my little boy isn't able to understand either. <3
ReplyDeleteThe gun itself does not cause these things. The human nature does.
ReplyDelete