Best exercises for lazy ladies

I am not big on exercise, which is one reason I am not getting any smaller. Once in a while I'll take a Zumba class; it's mildly fun and highly entertaining because of several middle-aged men in the class. I suspect my so-called moves are highly entertaining to them as well, especially when the instructor speeds up the salsa and I feel like Lucy Ricardo in the chocolate factory, doing my ridiculous best to keep up the pace.

I recently got a very validating perspective on exercise from Let's Panic About Babies!, a new book by the wickedly funny Alice Bradley of Finslippy and Eden Kennedy of Fussy.org. It pretty much makes fun of everything about motherhood, and might just make you pee from laughter (a common occurrence if you've had kids). It's also a great read if you're thinking of becoming a mom, are preggers or have had a mother. How can you not enjoy a book that includes shower theme ideas such as World War II (suggested party game: Pin the Mustache on Stalin) and key baby bath tips such as "Don't drop pennies in Baby's bath for good luck."

One section I found particularly helpful: "Ways To Incorporate Exercise Into Every Minute Of Your Day." I got the OK to share part of it with you. Happy calorie burning!

AT THE GROCERY STORE
Good: Put a few giant bags of dog food and case of bottled water in your cart before you begin to shop. Pushing an extra eight-five pounds up and down the aisles will build arm and leg strength, improve stamina, and other shoppers will be impressed by your survivalist instincts. Calories burned: 93
Better: Allow a small child to write your grocery list. An illegible list of things you don't really need, organized so that items are located willy-nilly all over the store, will add an extra twenty minutes of walking to your day. Plus you'll be burning even more extra calories out of sheer frustration and gnawing hunger. Calories burned: 155
Best: Load up your cart with water and dog food, strap the child and the dog to your back, and buy a year's worth of groceries in preparation for the End Times. Calories burned: 940

AT WORK
Good: Cupcakes around the water cooler a cause for concern? Not when you can sing "Happy Birthday" with extra vigor and clap a little too long when the boss blows out his candle. Calories burned: 19
Better: Fire your assistant. All that time she used to spent toting reams of paper and trotting out for coffee can now be yours! Calories burned: 137
Best: Get a job as a field worker. Those spinach leaves don't pick themselves, you know! Plus, you'l rebuild your pelvic floor while Kegeling to hold in your pee until that lunchtime Porta-Potty break. Calories burned: 1,753

AT HOME
Good: Where's the remote? Who cares! You paid to have 500 channels, and now you get to jump up and change the station again. Now sit down. Wait, get up! Okay, sit down again. Get up! Etc. Calories burned: 65
Better: Washing machine on the fritz? Good. Hand-washing your clothes, towels, and sheets in the bathtub pioneer-style will strengthen arms and core muscles, give you new respect for the hardships your foremothers endured, and ensure that all your linens end up the same ultrachic shade of gunmetal gray. Calories burned: 364
Best: Burn down your house! Rebuilding with scavenged materials an donated tools will foster new skills and leave you with the sexy washboard abs of an itinerant alcoholic roofer. Calories burned: 1,337,450


Photo/Valerie Morrison