Clueless Husbands: The Interview

Dave S. walks into the living room, looking far more fit and tan than the online photos reveal. "Honey, do you know where the ketchup is?" he asks, disarmingly. His wife stares at him, given that the ketchup is in the same exact place it has been for the last eight years. "It's in the side pocket of the refrigerator," she says. "I couldn't find it!" Dave replies. His wife dashes to the kitchen and throws open the fridge door. "There! It is right THERE!" she says, triumphantly. Dave grabs the ketchup. "Thanks!" he says, cheerfully, leaving his wife standing there, dazed and confused.

It is the question women everywhere have on their minds: WHAT is he thinking? Or, as the case may more often be, what is he NOT thinking? How is it possible that a man who is capable of holding down a big-shot job and dealing with big-shot clients, a man who devotes his life so selflessly to his children, a kind, gentle, good-hearted man, is still so seemingly clueless at times? We got the exclusive interview.

Interviewer: "So, were you forgetful as a child?"

Dave: "No. I always had a high IQ."

Interviewer: "Well, you've heard of absentminded professors, right? When did this forgetfulness start? And do you think it had anything to do with your mother?"

Dave: "What was the question?"

Interviewer: "OK, let's talk about the rumors on Perez Hilton that you need your wife to send e-mails to you to remind you about upcoming events."

Dave: "That's very true. I think every husband has that done. What's the problem?"

Interviewer: "Sigh. Now, with your permission, I'd like to talk about a recurring theme in your life. How come you use your wife's face towel to clean the bathroom floor when it gets flooded during the kids' bath?"

Dave: "Because it gets wet! We should invest in a bigger bathtub. Can we construct one, do you think? Is there room?"

Interviewer: "Your wife will get back to you on that. Right now, I have a few more probing questions. Quick, what size shoes do the kids wear?"

Dave: "Sabrina wears a size 12 in shoes, and Max wears a size 7, boys."

Interviewer: "Almost! Sabrina is an 11, Max is an 11. What size clothes do the kids wear?"

Dave: "Sabrina wears a kids' Large, Max wears a kids' Medium."

Interviewer: "Very good! And what size are they in dresses and pants?"

Dave: "Sabrina's a Big, Max is a Small."

Interviewer: "Close enough! That qualifies you to do all of the back-to-school shopping! But how come you don't like to dress the kids?"

Dave: "You're much better at that than I am."

Interviewer: "Sigh. OK, name one of the teachers Max had last year."

Dave: "Maryellen."

Interviewer: "Interesting. Name one of Sabrina's teachers."

Dave: "Maryellen?"

Interviewer: "Nyet. OK, let's shift gears here. What dress size is your wife?"

Dave: "Seven."

Interviewer: "I'll take that. OK, now let's clear up one of the biggest mysteries to hit the news last week. When you e-mailed your wife at 10 p.m. on Saturday night while she was attending a party at the BlogHer conference to inform her that baby ants were crawling all over the kitchen table and she needed to call someone, what were you thinking?"

Dave: "I was thinking that the exterminator did not take care of it the last time he was here. Look! There's an ant!"

Interviewer: "And what were you thinking your wife would do with that piece of information at 10:00 o'clock on a Saturday night?"

Dave: "I wanted to know how I should handle it. Do you think we should cut up that watermelon tomorrow? I still need to read the Sunday paper. Look! Another ant! Get it!"

Interviewer: "Helloooooooooo....."

Dave: "OK! I thought you could call the exterminator the next day."

Interviewer: "On a Sunday? For baby ants?"

Dave: "Yes. Where there are baby ants, there are big ants."

Interviewer: "And how about when you e-mailed your wife on Sunday morning to let her know Max had wet the bed, and asked what you should do? Were you thinking there was some secret strategy involved, aside from removing the sheets?"

Dave: "Usually you do that, so I needed help. I also wanted to let you know about all the excitement that you were missing."

Interviewer: "And now, the question on everyone's mind: Why do you leave your socks and underwear on the bedroom floor?"

Dave: "I assume you'll get them."

Interviewer: "Sigh. Do you feel misrepresented and misunderstood?"

Dave: "Maybe. I gotta call the water company, we went through bottles so fast this month. Can you e-mail me tomorrow morning to do that? Like my new glasses? I got compliments all day long on them. Harvey wants me to fly out to Canada next week to help him with his business, is that OK? Oh, I made plans with Roger tonight, have to go. Love you. Remind me tomorrow to order some more bottles of water."