I didn't have any specific hopes for our Passover seder yesterday, or so I thought. Max has matured and I figured he'd sit at the table, as he has in recent history. Ben would be the wild card.
I actually didn't have much time to ponder it because it was a bit hectic. Ben was in the middle of eating when we started reading the haggadah (which tells the story of Passover). Sabrina and Cousin Margo sang the Four Questions standing next to him. After that, Ben decided that his time would best be spent zooming around the table with his shopping cart.
Max got hungry and whiny, always a bad combination, so he ate as we continued reading and singing. He has come a long way since he refused to sit at the table at all and spent the evening in the living room watching TV. Then he started sitting at the table with headphones on. He's no longer that sensitive to noise so I figured he'd hang around. Only when it came time for dinner, Max stood up and declared that he was done and could he watch TV? Off he went to celebrate the night with fire truck videos.
Dave and I discussed it later. "He made it through the haggadah!" he said. I pointed out that he'd skipped dinner. "Yeah, but he knows he can get away with it," Dave said, and it's true. We've never forced him to stay, mainly because we didn't want to disrupt the meal with the meltdown that would ensue. I suppose we could have enticed with headphones and an iPad, like we used to do. But we permitted him to leave. (Cue: "Let my people go.")
My head says, "It's OK." My heart feels differently.
Maybe Max will be there for the whole seder today—two seders, two chances! Maybe I'll always keep wishing for it. Holidays have a way of making me yearn for tradition, even while we've done so well with creating our own.
Perfect timing for this post! We are also in the headphones at the table stage (sigh), and every gathering I wonder whether I should spend my time chatting with the family gathered or cajoling my overwhelmed child into staying at the table just a little longer. I feel ya!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to juggle both. Although at tonight's seder, Ben made me feel that way! We were at my mother-in-law's and the table was small. Max was happy to stay on the deck.
DeleteMaybe someday he will sit through the whole traditional meal but atleast he made it through the Haggadah-which sounds important although I am not Jewish.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely important!
DeleteOh I feel this on so many levels. Not only with my daughter who has a DI but with my son who has a lot of anxiety and then never does what we "expect" in situations where his peers are singing a song at church, or doing an activity at preschool, and he just doesn't do it. We should be used to it by now, but the disappointment is still there.
ReplyDeletePaige
http://thehappyflammily.com
Yes, that. It's not possible for me to get used to this...yet. Maybe one day.
DeleteIt's hard I think to seperate your parenting style from all of this. We were strict parents and when our kids were Bens age ( a little over a year right?) the expectation was that they would stay at the table. They might be given some books to look at or small blocks to play with but no way no how would we let them zoom around the table. If they got too cranky then it was bedtime. We didn't waver. That just not your style. Max certainly seems to have the cognitive ability to understand if it were really really expected of him that he must sit with you. That what he would prefer to do isn't all that relevant. But to parent a child that way you have to first endure some melt downs that teach a kid that you are not budging on your expectations. That's not everybody's style. It was mine. I don't think it's yours.
ReplyDelete