BlogHer '12 is a mere few days away. In preparation, I've put myself on a special diet and in the name of community and all things good, I'm sharing. My plan involves Milano cookies, nail polish in the shade of Fungus, and many other breakthrough concepts.
The Unofficial BlogHer Pre-Conference Diet
• Stand in front of your closet. Realize you have nothing great to wear. Go to Shoebuy.com and order two new pair of shoes. Your feet are admirably slender; no muffin top there.
• Sit at kitchen table, flipping through the 114-page BlogHer '12 Conference Guide. Whoa. Down half a bag of Pirate's Booty within the first eight pages.
• Run around attic searching for luggage you need for packing. Not there. Run down to basement and roam around. Not there. Wonder how it is possible to lose a gigantic piece of luggage in your own home. Run back up to attic and look around more. Oh. There it is. Calories burned: 55.
• Read that there are going to be some 4000 people attending BlogHer. Consume half a sleeve of Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Milano Cookies in anxiety.
• Pack Spanx.
• Repeatedly and obsessively check #BlogHer12 hashtag on Twitter. Calories burned: 0.
• Polish your toes, in anticipation. The color is supposed to be sheer blue and yet, it goes on looking like you have a toe fungus. "What do my toes look like?" you ask your 7-year-old, hoping it's not as bad as you think. "It looks like you have disgusting toes," she says. Wear closed-toe shoes to work for several days until you have time to change the color. Realize that looking at fungus-colored toes is an excellent appetite depressant. Decide that if you need appetite control at BlogHer, you can return here and stare at this photo.
• OMG! OMG! Find out that the program you do work with, CVS Caremark All Kids Can, is sponsoring the Blogging About Your Child With Special Needs panel you're moderating! And they'll be in the audience! Consume other half of sleeve of Double Chocolate Milanos.
• Ponder if, for any conference event, it could be OK to wear your amazingly flattering black yoga pants. Of course! The Come as You Are party! Maybe?
• Wonder how many calories you will burn trotting around the Expo, which this year is in three different halls. Admit they might be offset by food samples consumed. A S'mores Suite?!
• Think about all the great friends you will be seeing at BlogHer. Vow not to stand next to any of the really svelte ones in photos.
• Type up detailed list for husband of activities to do with kids while you are away and pointers on childcare, including reminders such as "bathe the kids" and "if they want ice-cream for breakfast, you can say no." Calories burned from rapidly pounding the keyboard: 9.
• Give up all carbs for several days pre-BlogHer, out of desperation. Get so grouchy husband and children can't wait for you to leave.
There now. Don't you feel good?
• Ponder if, for any conference event, it could be OK to wear your amazingly flattering black yoga pants. Of course! The Come as You Are party! Maybe?
• Wonder how many calories you will burn trotting around the Expo, which this year is in three different halls. Admit they might be offset by food samples consumed. A S'mores Suite?!
• Think about all the great friends you will be seeing at BlogHer. Vow not to stand next to any of the really svelte ones in photos.
• Type up detailed list for husband of activities to do with kids while you are away and pointers on childcare, including reminders such as "bathe the kids" and "if they want ice-cream for breakfast, you can say no." Calories burned from rapidly pounding the keyboard: 9.
• Give up all carbs for several days pre-BlogHer, out of desperation. Get so grouchy husband and children can't wait for you to leave.
There now. Don't you feel good?
Photo: Flicker/sea turtle
I can't stop laughing at this post...your description of the anxiety I feel before an event is perfect! I wish I were going so I could hear you speak (well except that I'm fresh out of Milano cookies). I'm attending my first blogging conference in October so I'll get started on that Milano diet STAT! Have a great time...you'll be awesome!
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. Can't wait to see you!
ReplyDeleteTara, l suspect I will still be on the Milano diet come October. Jennifer, I warn you now, you might not recognize me, I am going to be so svelte.
ReplyDeleteHahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - you are hilarious! I just bought a new pair of shoes and bag. Accessories always fit!
ReplyDeleteEllen Ellen Ellen I could have written this EXACT post! I just put all of my imagined
ReplyDeleteoutfits on my bed and nothing matches. The only thing that looks semi decent is sleeveless and reveals my white / old skin arms.
Off to the mall... CANT WAIT to see you!!
Laura
this is so funny. especially because it's all so true :)
ReplyDeleteThat whole "I have nothing to wear" dilema results in me packing too much. And since I never really unpacked from the 3 trips I took from TypeA on, I have a big suitcase. How much closet space do I get, again?
ReplyDeletegood luck Ellen! Hope you have a wonderful time and I wish i could teleport myself from down under to attend and meet all you wonderful people :) think of all the calories i would burn swimming there though!;)
ReplyDeleteYou will have a wonderful time and you will be great! As usual!!this post was hilarious, couldn't stop laughing!!
ReplyDeleteHilarious post as usual!! I hope I get to attend one day :) Enjoy your trip!
ReplyDeleteThis year? I'm even giving up on the spanx. All they do is make me uncomfortable. There is no way to hide my belly. I'm a fat lady. End of story. Even for my VOTY reading I decided I'd rather be able to breathe and relax. 4000 women will see a fat lady on stage. I'll live.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see you. Thanks for the laugh. (And toss me a Milano, please.)
Can't wait for your presentation!
ReplyDeleteDon't stand next to me in my great new dress though - it makes me feel powerfully svelte!
Thanks for the laugh and see you Thursday.
Great to see you, Ellen! Just realized how ironic this post is... because it's the "Health Minder" day!
ReplyDeleteI had to miss the conference this year, but I met you there two years ago (on the Kodak tour I think?). Anyhow ... I was catching up and came across this post and it is THE BEST! Thanks for the laughs! :) Hope you had an awesome conference and that your panel was a full house event!
ReplyDelete